Ugh

Why are some days like this? The last few days have been relatively good days overall. Today has already started off rough though. So I made the mistake of stepping on the scale this morning and much to my utter disbelief it read something pretty significantly different from last week. Knowing how I try to take care of myself I am pretty sure that there is no real way that could be possible. None the less though it threw my entire morning off and how I am feeling about myself. I tried on multiple sets of clothes trying to find something I was comfortable in that would help me present as male the way I want to. Although I often wear those clothes for some reason this morning nothing was working for me. I felt so frustrated because the biggest source of my frustration are the breasts that seem to still be there regardless of how much I bind. At the end of the day a person can only bind so much because they are still there. Well today was a day where I just am not feeling like I can deal with it. My body dysphoria just continued to get worse. Because after I bound and felt completely discouraged by that, I then seemed unable not to focus on my curves, and all the other ways that I still have a female body. No matter how much I work out, or what amount of testosterone I am on nothing is going to change overnight and that is what I am facing. Emotionally I am feeling much more male, mentally I am becoming much more secure but then I look at my body and I can't stand what I see. Yet I really wish there were a fix that worked overnight. It doesn't help that today is my busiest day of the week so I won't get a chance to work out today which I think would help me.

I envy the people, both men and women who don't struggle with these issues of gender or body dysphoria. I have to be really careful so that I don't get resentful of the hand I have been given in life. Because I wish I was born a biological male. I wish that I didn't have to go through this and deal with all the crap that goes along with it. I am just feeling discouraged today and I still have to go deal with school.