One month

Well it has almost been a month since my surgery. How time has flown right on by. Since it has been that long I decided, after MUCH debate that I would post a picture of my chest as it is healing today. I didn't really take any between then and now, because honestly I didn't feel it was necessary. If I want to relive how it looked there are plenty of pictures on the internet that look close enough to bring back my memories. Really though it was a unpleasant month overall in terms of physically feeling uncomfortable, sore and in pain. 

My nipples are mine, they were taken off and reshaped to a more male appropriate size and then placed in a more male appropriate position. A large percentage (which I can't remember right now exactly and was too lazy to look up) of biological male's don't have perfectly round nipples and so I am not the least bit concerned about the fact mine aren't perfectly round. Especially when I have looked at other pictures online and can see how good mine do look comparatively, in terms of other surgeries. There is still a fair amount of swelling on both sides, and although the picture is a little tilted the left side has more swelling still than the right. You can also see that I forgot to clean the scar cream I am putting on at least twice a day, and that is what looks dark near my scars. I was in a huge hurry this morning and didn't wait for it to entirely dry before putting on a shirt. I have been using a recommended scar cream but I ran out tonight so I am going to do more of a Vitamin E cream as well as what I was using and see how that goes. Overall though from talking to others and looking at pictures I am extremely happy with how things are going. Sadly, since I am essentially going through puberty again I am getting a small amount of chest acne just in this last week or so to go along with the acne I am fighting on my face. Thankfully it is not too bad. Some shirts my chest is much more sensitive to and so I am finding that I have to almost always wear a white cotton t-shirt under everything to feel comfortable through out the day. I have a few other t-shirts that I can wear without something under them, but generally speaking to stay comfortable as the day goes on I am constantly in a white t-shirt. Overall though I am extremely sensitive still but do have more feeling than expected. I am also getting a lot of mobility back, also more than expected at this point. I think part of it is that I have had to do things and so I have had to push myself, not beyond what I should be doing or what is going to hurt myself but I also can't just chill around the house and not do things or not take care of my daughter. So I really think for me that is helping me bounce back quicker. The only way I could be happier is if I were able to work out, which like I posted recently that is coming soon enough. The thing though that I am looking forward to SO VERY MUCH is being able to sleep on my stomach again. Before surgery I am almost exclusively a stomach sleeper, and since then I am physically unable to do so for a couple of reasons. I just don't sleep as well on my back and am not as comfortable although I have noticed my back feels a ton better for some reason. It doesn't feel as stiff, the need to crack it is gone too which is nice. It also almost never hurts like it used to. I am still really excited though because I am slowly able to sleep for short amounts of time on one side and can't wait for that to continue to get better. So that is my update on my chest surgery, and I do have to say not easy to post a picture of but after a lot of soul searching I feel like it is the right thing to do. 


Just in this last week I feel like my voice has really gotten a lot deeper, because for one it has been over a week since anyone on the phone has called me any female pronoun and I have left some messages for people who say that I sound nothing like a woman. That is fabulous news! Now if I could grow some more facial hair I would be happy but even that is happening faster than expected. 


I am finding that changing my first name on things is challenging, as now I am down to things like the registration on my car because my tabs expired this month so I wanted to do it at the same time. Cost me an extra $50 because I had to get my title changed which of course the bank who owns it charges for and then the DMV charges up the booty for it too...but it is those things that add up. It is also frustrating because I wanted to change it with a credit card company today and they were just going to change it for me over the phone, until they heard it was my first name. Then suddenly I have to write a letter, send a picture of my license and the court order to them and it will take weeks to change. There have been many things that way, where it is so much harder because it is my first name. Annoying is what it is, and thats probably why there are still a fair amount of things unchanged yet. 


This week it seems that it has been really hard being out of the military. I don't know why really. Maybe because I am really wishing that I could be in, but as I am today. I don't honestly know why it has been so hard, and while I don't regret this process or transitioning I am really processing my transition now. Which for a lot of people they process first and do it later, but I have discovered in my own life that often it is best to do first and process later and it always works out better that way. Otherwise I might process forever. 


I am really finding that I am much more confident today than I was even a month ago. I am more willing to stand up for myself, more willing to speak my mind of course in a respectful way generally, so many ways I interact with the world are changing. I think that the biggest one though is standing up for myself, and not putting up with crap or putting up with things I might have in the past. It doesn't matter if they are friends or strangers I am just much less willing. Maybe I am less worried about how I will be seen? I am not sure, I will get back on that one.