My little pity party

Okay I will start off by saying that I need to have a little pity party here for a minute. I am really tired of being mostly bed bound. I am tired of having these drain tubes. I am tired of not being able to take a shower. I am tired of not being able to do a lot of things for myself (which as ex-military and extremely independent is very difficult for me). I am tired of the weather being in the high 50's or low 60's and beautiful and being stuck inside. I am tired of not being able to pick up my sick child. I am tired of just feeling crappy. I am tired of feeling swollen up, and uncomfortable every time I move. I miss being home. I miss my dog. I miss my friends. I miss my local Starbucks. I miss all those things about home. I know it is has only been a week but it has not really been such an adventure. I am not really having a ton of fun. I am over watching Desperate Housewives or whatever other television show is on Netflix. And I am REALLY tired of only sleeping on my back. Basically I am really over all this. I am really ready for next Wednesday to be here, because my drain tubes will be out and I will have had a shower. My friend will be here to drive home with me, and we will take my partner to the airport and then head home. I am excited because hopefully that evening I will be home with my dog and crazy cat. I will sleep in my own bed. I will have the comforts of home. Don't get me wrong, I love an adventure but this one has just run it's course.

Okay now that I got that all out of my system I feel a little better. Not entirely and I am not sure how I am going to. If I wasn't in pain on the one side today I think it might be easier to get out of this funk but I really just want to crawl into a hole and wish all of it away. Well, let me rephrase that...I want to wish myself into my life a month from now when I am more healed and life is for the most part back to normal.

If I can take a step back and make myself really look I can see I have a lot to be grateful for. For starters just the fact I was able to have the surgery when many want it but can't for whatever reason is a huge blessing that I am really grateful for. The fact that everyone around me is so supportive of the process is another huge blessing. That I have so many amazing friends back home who really do care about me and who stand by me. That my beautiful little girl is only ever going to know me as daddy (she will know about this but won't know me as anything else). I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am trying to remember that today when I just feel down.

It is day 4 post op today....it is hard to believe it has only been 4 days. It feels like so much longer. Waiting until monday at noon feels like an eternity away as well, which is why the drains and stitches come out. The idea that it is still 2 more days away is overwhelming, but I am trying not to think about it. The left side is swollen more than I have noticed before. I am not sure it is actually swollen worse than before or if maybe due to the large amount of bandages that I just didn't notice? Either way it is a little disturbing to me. My right side on the other hand has no swelling but is very sore. I don't really understand that but oh well. I am ready for the end result and am having a difficult time being patient for it.

So I have been sleeping in just my boxer shorts, and it feels so weird. I have the bandages on my chest but for the most part I feel naked other than my boxers. I do it because with the drains on it is more comfortable to sleep this way. I find myself feeling like it is wrong though. I was talking to someone about it and that is because women don't in our culture spend a lot of time topless and if they do it is something that is generally looked down upon or shamed. So to suddenly go from it not being okay to it being okay is really weird and I am not comfortable with it.  There are many things that I have been experiencing like that, where for women it's not okay but for men it is or vise versa.

I am sure that I am not going through anything that is not typical for all guys day 4 post surgery,  or at some point post surgery that is. I just need to remember that healing takes time, and is a process. Too bad I hate the process.