Okay so I have had another situation that I don’t really know how to deal with and am looking for all input. So today I was over in the other part of town running some errands and really wanting some coffee. So I stopped into a Starbucks that I very rarely go into. I notice almost immediately about 6 people in front of me in line is a gal I used to go to the church with. I figure though that there is a lot of people in there and she will be gone before I even get up there so it is all good.
So I am texting a friend (which was a wonderful excuse to keep my head down…not that I should feel like I have to but anyway…) so I just kind of do my thing and don’t think about her too much. I order my drink and am waiting for it when I hear “insert old female name” and I see her out of the corner of my eye. I am cornered in the back of the store and still waiting for my drink. So I decide to ignore her. But she is persistant and says my old name two more times. Now other people are starting to look at me because I am not responding so I looked up. Now mind you, she might recognize me but I don’t look anything like a woman at this point and my voice has dropped a pretty good amount. There is no mistaking my voice at this point for female. So I awkwardly kind of smiled and she asked how I was and what I was up to. I just said school, and was trying hard to get out of the conversation and praying they would call my drink (which of course they didn’t because there was somehow still 5 people in front of me). I didn’t know what to say or do, and it was so awkward because clearly I am dressed like a guy, I don’t have breasts, I had some facial hair and my voice was deep. Oh and my hair is a lot shorter than it ever was when she knew me, and I have had jaw surgery so I was a little amazed she knew me. That is beside the point though.
So I left feeling totally uncomfortable. I know that she was someone who had some pretty major problems when I was a lesbian and stopped talking to me for a long time. So I stood there feeling judged, which I know I shouldn’t have but I did. And I didn’t know how to handle it. Part of me wanted to just continue ignoring her but it was becoming so awkward that I didn’t feel I could. I should not have to worry about walking into someplace in a city with 200,000 people and seeing someone who is going to judge me. I should not stand in line at Starbucks and feel like I need to put my head down and get out of there. I feel like I am avoiding my life sometimes, or not being true to myself. I don’t know how to, or what to do in those situations.
The logical and preferred answer is just to move the hell out of this city. Since that is not an option I need another option at this point to deal with these people. Standing there, with 4 or 5 other people, all of whom happened to be men I didn’t feel as though I could blurt out that isn’t my name anymore or anything else that would be outing myself. Since similar situations happen weekly I really need a way to deal with it…that’s where you all come in. I need some thoughts, creative ideas etc. on how to handle these situations in ways that are dignified and honoring to myself (which today’s situation wasn’t).
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5 comments:
Own it brother. Say, yeah, I've obviously had quite a few changes in my life since I've seen you. You'll actually feel less uncomfortable if you acknowledge it or even set her straight about your new name. I know it's hard to do, but once you face it and get it out, you'll feel way better about dealing with this type of thing if it happens again.
I like Melville's answer. I don't know if this is helpful but I have know a few men who have gone by your former name.
It's super hard to make yourself do it, but Mel is absolutely right.
It sucks for you but almost no one will ask you about the obvious changes (your transition) that have been going on. Its the elephant in the room and there's no way they're going to ask. They know its there, you know its there, but unfortuantely it's on you to acknowledge it.
You just have to say something along the lines of "Actually I go by Jackson now. There've obviously been a few changes going on in my life." Then, if you don't want to talk about it further, turn the tables and ask "What have you been up to?"
In terms of random encounters in Starbucks or wherever most people have just wanted to know if I'm happier now. When I tell them "yes", they're happy.
Gosh Jackson, this is such a hard thing to give advice on because I totally understand that while standing up and just saying the truth is maybe the fastest and most effective way to make the person stop, I feel like it's not always practical to expect ourselves to do the "brave" thing when we're feeling overly judged and uncomfortable. I do think it's so important that you are able to walk out of these situations feeling proud of who you are and how you handled yourself, so I do agree that you ned to find a long term solution for giving the power back t yourself instead of letting other people have it. When I was in therapy, I remember learning that there were really only two ways to do that: 1. State your truths proudly knowing that your shame is unjustified (this is called opposite action because you're training yourself that while the feeling inside in understandable, it's also unnecessary). Like I said, this is probably the best solution but not always practical for us. 2. You can draw attention away from yourself by putting it back on the other person. Like giving a quick answer to her question (which you did), but then boldly saying something about her, "Are you still involved in the church?" "Gosh, it's been a while since we talked, I am actually surprised that you would say hi to me in public, I remember you weren't really talking to me for a while." Whatever feel appropriate for you to say at the time, but I think it's okay to turn the tables and discreetly put her back in her place.
Whatever you choose to do, just know that there is no reason for you to feel judged and that it all on them...so give it back to them. You don't need to carry that around.
I gree with kc about turning tables as for your name, just say I am using my middle name Jackson. then ask her the question KC said. And when and if your a lone and want to say anything to her do it then. since your old name can be male or felmale saying you go by your middle name won't out you
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