General update

I have been meaning to write for a few days but I was oh so blessed to catch a nasty cold from my little one and it has knocked me on my ass this week. The first day or two was okay, as colds can be…they deceive you into thinking that you are going to be okay and that it is just a little sniffles. Then day three hit and BHAM!! It is like a train hitting you at full speed and your body hurts everywhere, your throat is sore and your body is creating more mucus than you thought humanly possible. This has been my fate this week. It has involved many hours laying in bed or the couch watching reruns of the television show Bones or sleeping a lot. Thankfully I have been able to rest up a lot and am feeling a little better today, although I suspect full recovery is a few days away still.

So I will start by updating everyone, because as some know I had been offered a job working at the airport here. I took the job after much contemplation and felt like it was the right thing to do, and it very well may have been and I learned the lessons I needed to. So I went to the two days of “training” if you can call it that. I am not sure I would. It was like orientation/training all at once but seemed seriously inadequate. The big intimidating guy, who I wrote about in my last post (who reminded me of Dan Connor from Roseanne) was the one who was the training manager. So I spent two days with him, and at the end of that two days I realized that this was not a place I wanted to work. There were a few reasons that I had come to this conclusion.

First of all, when I took the job I thought I was in a place where I was desperate but now my situation has changed and that is not the case as of this moment. So I have more time to find a better job. And by better I don’t even mean the pay, although yes maybe. So anyway I realized that this was a place that had a seriously high turnover rate in part because they paid most the people minimum wage (which kind of explains why there was no other white guys working there…which really bothers me but that’s another post). They also though just didn’t strike me as a place that takes care of their people. I mean, I can think of plenty of lower paying jobs but the company treats their employees well. Also, this training manager seemed to have some ethical issues which for me is a huge red flag. If they would hire a guy who lacks ethics to be the training manager (and one of three dudes who would have been above me) then that kind of says something to me. He was extremely arrogant as well, as a retired military guy he really thought he knew it all. The first thing he says to me knowing I just got out was something about how he was forced to retire at an E6 instead of E8 because he was a trouble maker and how he was proud of that?! Really…because I sure wouldn’t be bragging about that, in fact I would be doing the opposite. It is not something to be proud of. Anyway though so between those issues, a few more and a shitty schedule that after talking over with my partner became clear I was not going to see my little one except mainly weekends I decided that this was not a good fit. My driving force being that I was not desperate at this moment to put food on the table, and while yes it might be good experience that losing out on that time with my little one isn’t worth it. I would see her more if I had a schedule that was “normal” or even just nights but 0330-1100 was going to make it hard, especially when fitting in school.

I consulted some trusted friends and my mother who has had a lot of experience as a business owner herself before coming to a final decision. So while fear would have wanted to me to stay there even though my gut was saying otherwise I went up there this morning and told them that it wasn’t going to work out for me. Boy that also showed me how much I still fear what other people think of me. It was really hard, I felt like I owed it to them for some messed up reason. Anyway that is good information for me to see and be able to look at and work through why I do that, because it doesn’t serve me well.

The other big issue was that I was not entirely sure I was safe there, as a trans person. Not that anyone knew, but if someone found out. The training guy made two comments that led me to believe that he was doing two things, first of all fishing to see if I happened to be gay but also letting me know that he was not okay with gay people. It was a weird deal, and the first time he made the comment I didn’t realize what he was doing but the second time he made the same comment I realized that it seemed he was looking for a reaction from me. It made me a little uncomfortable. So I am now back to the job hunt, although this experience does give me some confidence and taught me a lot about myself and my value as an employee and a person, and I am sure as I look back I will see more lessons to be learned. It is tough though because looking for a job really is a full time job in itself.

I have started to work out more regularly, however it doesn’t seem to be affecting what my partner jokingly calls “my man belly” which is about the extra 10 pounds I have that seems to be shifting from other places on my body to my belly, giving me what some would call a beer belly except I don’t drink. Thankfully it is not terrible, (although for me it is just because I have never had one)so I am committed that once I am better from this cold I will be working out more often and harder than I have been before. It is time for me to get some new running shoes and to hit the pavement. Also I am going to start writing down what I am eating, although I know that I am not exceeding my calorie allowance most days that doesn’t mean that every day is the healthiest. Some days I do great and others (like today) not so great. So I think just seeing the patterns that get me and working on them would be good. So anyway I am actually looking forward to that, and in fact on Monday before I realized how sick I was I had a good workout and then about 25 minutes into it I felt like I was going to collapse because it hit me like a ton of bricks. Then I felt worse than before working out which was a bummer. So I am hoping that by next Monday I can start again.

I am getting to the point where I am starting to not even think about being transgender some days. It is nice to get to the point of being comfortable enough with myself that it doesn’t cross my mind a whole lot anymore. Some days or situations it does more than others but overall my general comfort level with myself is slowly increasing where I feel like I can just be myself.

I need to get my birth certificate changed as well as my gender at the social security office changed. I had not thought of the importance of that until this job when I was asked to prove citizenship and the best and main sources for doing that have me listed as a woman, with a different name. I just had not realized the need for that or the importance to change those things. So that is now on my list of to do things. That part feels never ending.

It has now been 2 months since surgery and other than the occasional moment when I do something and feel tenderness or something I hardly notice and have full function back. Now when I look at myself I almost don’t even see the scars, and sure have a hard time even thinking about or realizing that at one point I did have breasts. I have also been on “T” now for 4 months and that time seems to be flying by. The biggest changes still seem to be the hair growth on my face and legs, although I am noticing some other small things. I don’t know if my voice is continuing to drop or not but it has dropped a fair amount so I am happy with that. This might sound funny to a lot of people but one thing I really wish I had is an adams apple. I don’t know why that is, but for some reason besides a male chest that is another thing that I have always really wanted. Something about it is very attractive to me. Overall so far I am very happy with what I am seeing and am looking forward to what the future holds, on all accounts.