Running

As usual it has been a while although I think about blogging often. Seems I just never get the energy up to do it. I have been enjoying some wonderful weather here. I went hiking last week and am going again on Thursday and maybe even on Friday as well. I have a small break in school and so it is nice and I am trying to enjoy as much of it as I can.

Finally got the nerve up to go running today. I have been working out at home but with the weather being nice I really was itching to get outside. However I had a lot of baggage from when I was a chic about running. I finally went and got some new running shoes today and was determined to do it, even after I couldn’t find my ipod charger and thus had to run without music.

I hate running on a track especially because I live in such a nice neighborhood however I wanted to know how far I could run after not doing so for at least 6 months. That’s not to say I have not worked out, I have I just have not done any running. I really want to get a watch that tracks my distance and heart rate etc. I think that will be my purchase that I put my REI Dividend towards. So anyway I was pleasantly surprised at how far I could run before I had to walk. And yet it didn’t bother me that I had to walk. I noticed that I was so comfortable in my body (man belly and all ) that I didn’t care what those out there thought of me. I could really focus on my breathing and feeling my body rather than feeling insecure and uncomfortable. In the past I would worry about my breasts or whatever because I felt that I had to be tough. Growing up that is one way I dealt with my gender issues was being really tough and athletic. That worked well for me, I was always the best, fastest, toughest etc all through high school especially in soccer and track. So running wasn’t an issue and I was in great shape. Other girls feared me on the field and I thrived on that. In college I rowed on the rowing team for a year and while I was good I was only in the middle. Not great but not the worst. And from that point on I really felt a strong urge to compete against all other women in the world, whether real or perceived.

Add that to hating my breasts and I quickly became very self conscious if I was not the best runner or anything like that. If there was any chance that another woman might be better than me I would not do it because failure was the worst for me. I stopped enjoying sports and eventually gave up on them. However today, without breasts to worry about, a sports bra or that feeling of competition I really enjoyed myself. I enjoyed how my body felt running with a t-shirt on and not having breasts bouncing around making me feel uncomfortable all the while wishing I had a flat chest. And I didn’t feel that urge that I had to be better than anyone else, I was just enjoying the experience of being in my body. Now I am a naturally competitive person so I am sure as I get into better shape again I will want to compete with others but I might just join a soccer league or do some half marathons or something. For the first time in at least ten years I really, truly enjoyed running and am looking forward to going tomorrow. Even though for my standards I can’t run as far as I would like I don’t care, I am fine working back up to it and there is no shame in walking if I need to. All because I don’t have breasts anymore, how liberating a feeling.