Fear...and anticipation

I am getting really excited to be a heading to San Francisco on Saturday. I am also getting very scared. Not for the surgery itself, more for the recovery time. I don't know how long I will feel out of it, how quickly I will heal or anything for that matter. I know that everyone heals differently and I have had friends who took a long time or a short time. I know that I heal quickly and easily and that my body bounces back well. But I still have fear. Fear of being unable to dress myself, or be able to pick up my daughter for weeks on end, or drive my car which is a stick shift. So many little things I had not considered until now. I am very ready for the surgery though and I can't believe I am just days away! Also the month of March is big for me in some personal ways and I really don't want to be immobile during that time, although I will be on some level. So it is tough for me because I don't do well asking for help and with some things going on in my life I am feeling even more vulnerable than normal. As a good friend said though in a week I will be boobless and that is what matters. So very true my friend...that is all that matters.

I am noticing a lot of changes, mainly in how I interact with the world. I was out with a friend for pizza recently and it was a place where they bring the pizza and then serve you. The waitress gave my friend one piece to start with and me two pieces. It is so weird to me because to me although she see's me as a guy I feel the same, and so I catch myself wanting to make comments or having thoughts about how funny I think that is. Then I realize or remember that she is interacting with me the way I want her to, it just seems odd to me because inside I always felt that way. Today I was at Starbucks and an older lady I am pretty sure was flirting with me. I was there with my daughter, it was a snow day here and so I was drinking coffee and reading the paper while she chewed on her paper and this lady was very insistent on being extremely friendly. Like far beyond what the other ladies who also stopped to talk to me about my baby were being. Anyway just realized what a magnet babies are. Even an old guy gave me a nod and smile when he saw us sitting there, it was super sweet.

Today was my birthday, the big 28...well 28 none the less. Didn't do much for it but that was okay, did get to hang out with a  good friend last night and then another great friend tonight. There is so much going on anyway that a low key birthday is good, and my preference. Although I did promise a friend next year to allow singing...we will see ;) I was talking to my mom though and she said that this was like my first birthday again, and that next year will be like I am one years old. Anyway she has really come around and become so supportive. It means a ton to me...and I thought it was very sweet.

So I depart Saturday morning for a long drive by myself, but I really am kind of starting to look forward to it. I think the time to think and solitude will do me well. I like to be able to "stop" from life once in a while and have time alone. This is huge though, to me much bigger than starting "T" because this feels far more permanent which in some ways it is. To me it is what I have always wanted and to me is what symbolizes my transition to being a man. This is for me what it is all about and I can't believe I am actually at the edge of finally getting it.