just some thoughts

I have nothing to say transition related, but plenty to say so this post really is just going to be a personal post about my life at the moment but not necessarily transition related.

I am finding myself in a very confusing situation, to which I will be vague to protect those who it involves although some may know of the situation and what I am talking about. I am finding myself feeling like a confused teenager again. I don't know what I want, or rather I want two things at once but I can't have two things at once. I have to choose but I don't want to choose. I hate making hard decisions, even if the obvious answer is right in front of me. I hate the idea that the process I am in might hurt people, not because I want to hurt them but because it just might happen. I can be a tough cookie, and I can also be a extremely soft hearted person. So the idea that through my process I might hurt friends regardless of if I mean to or not is difficult and I find myself resisting my process as result. Yet I know in the long run resisting it will not do much other than creating a worse situation than I am already in. I hate that life is full of hard decisions, and that life is not black and white. I want an answer that if I do this one specific thing than this specific outcome will happen. But there are no guarantees in life, and I hate that. I am such a logical thinking person I really struggle with anything that isn't black and white. I have made a lot of progress but I have a long way to go.

Okay so on an entirely different topic. I am realizing that I have been very self centered in my transition (which is very normal, of course I am) however I am having a difficult time understanding or even being compassionate to those around me who might be going through a difficult time themselves. I can be compassionate to only a certain degree and then beyond that I really feel like people should just deal with it or get over it or whatever it is I feel they should do. I feel like it is my transition and my life is the one being so uprooted. And yet at the same time that I say that I can see how messed up that is and how that is really not how I want to treat these people. Generally I am talking about family but friends as well. It is hard especially because I am generally just very excited about changes that are happening, like my voice or hair growth etc. I easily forget that they might still be working through their own process and that it might be hard for them to listen to because they still have grief.

I feel like right now I am in a pressure cooker, and that the lessons I am learning are really getting tougher. I don't think that the pressure cooker is going to explode per se but just that it is getting more and more intense and that those things I have been ignoring are becoming too challenging to ignore anymore. I just feel like my life is one big mess. Thank god for 12 step programs because that is what they help with.