Day 1....

I am exhausted, laying in my hotel room more than half way to San Francisco. It was a good, long day. When I left I knew I was going to have to drive right past the military base that I spent six years at. What I didn't expect is how hard that was going to be. As I drove near it, as I had so many times in the past but have avoided recently the thought flashed through my mind that I should turn around and go home. It was as though I knew that once I got past there it was my last chance to go back to the military. It was a very strong, invasive thought and it was extremely emotional for the first hour of my drive as I drove past all the bases and everything that reminded me of the military. Once I got past that first hour it was a lot easier, I felt like I was far enough from home to keep going.

It was weird to know that I was on my way down to surgery, the surgery I have wanted for so long. It is so surreal to think about. I stopped a few times just for fuel or coffee (thank goodness for starbucks :) and all along the way everyone treated me as a guy. I found it odd to hear people referring to me as "dude" or "man" or whatever male pronoun was being used. It was hard to believe that they were talking to me.

Yesterday someone actually referred to me as "she" right after the other guy referred to me as "he" so I was thinking to myself what the hell...but then I decided that there is no point in saying anything. There is no point in making her feel uncomfortable or whatever because I know who I am....but it was the first time in probably ten days. I wasn't even sure she was talking about me at first. It did make me think that I have to get my gender marker changed, which I had meant to start the process of before I left but I just ran out of time. I do want my license to have the right gender on it though, that would make me feel a little better.

So on the way down here I found it difficult because if I had to go to the bathroom I had to stop for gas or coffee or find someplace I could use without buying anything. The men's room at McDonald's is not a place I plan to use again...absolutely nasty! I stopped for gas 4 times to top off even though I probably only had to stop 2 times because rest stops don't feel safe to me. Which sucks because if I had to go to the bathroom then it was harder to find a place...the crappy parts of being trans. I pulled into a rest stop to make a phone call and stretch my legs and I felt uncomfortable. I am not sure if I will ever feel comfortable stopping places like that or not.

I was at dinner tonight, in very gay friendly Ashland Oregon and I saw a cute lesbian couple sit down at the table next to me. I felt sad that to them I just looked like a dude, not as part of the queer community. I think that is the saddest part of the transition is that I do look like a straight guy. As my therapist told me the other day, which I took as a very nice compliment she said that I was turning into a very good looking young man. Which of course is totally what I want, but at the same time that is exactly it...I look like a young straight man. So I guess I will learn to deal with or navigate that over time.

Two more days of a sports bra. Two more days of a binder that hurts my back. Two more days of boobs I hate. Then the rest of my life starts. Tonight as I was getting ready for bed I stripped down to my boxers with no shirt on. I stood looking in the mirror at myself, and it didn't feel like my body. I could't wait to walk around in my boxers, no shirt on if I want to and have the body I have always wanted. Made me SO excited, and forget all the fears I am having.