3 weeks....

I am counting down the days now to my surgery, 21 days from today. While I am very excited I am also really starting to experience a lot of other emotions, such as fear. For probably 15 years now I have wanted this day to come, and now here I am just a few short weeks away and I am suddenly scared that maybe I am making a mistake. It is permanent. It is the final nail in the coffin of my military career. This surgery is going to change my life, for the rest of my life. To make a decision (well I am not entirely sure I would call it a decision per se) this large is scary at least for me it is. I am not entirely sure what the fears are, but they are there. Today was the day that I had to have the surgery paid for, and I remembered that this morning in the shower. Of course I have paid for it, but to me it almost like the point of no return. I went through something similar when I had jaw surgery about a year and a half ago. I knew it was necessary, I knew it would make my life better, it would make me look better, that really there was no real down side other than maybe I wouldn't regain entire feeling in my chin (which I didn't) but that is okay. I am so much happier today with my profile and how it looks, how I feel about myself etc. So I just ned to remember that when I start to get scared of this surgery, that in the end there has not been anything I have wanted as bad as a male  chest maybe ever in my life. So I don't really think it is the surgery itself that is scaring me, I think it is how my life is being altered forever that is scaring me.

So I have a drawer in my dresser that has my female underwear and bra's in it. Since that is all it was used for the drawer has sat pretty much untouched for months now. Occasionally I would open it for something but this morning I was looking for something and opened it again and then I realized I should have some kind of ceremony when I get rid of all that stuff. I am not into ceremonies with other people there but I might have some kind of thing just by myself. Sort of a ritualistic moving on from that part of my life. I feel it necessary to acknowledge my femaleness as it was for so many years even though I never felt connected to that part of me I still lived that for many years and I think I might regret not acknowledging it.

Speaking of underwear I am feeling a little anxious about that subject. So I wear boxers, and I love them! Oh they are amazingly comfortable. I know a lot of butch lesbians wear them but I never did, probably in part because I couldn't under my uniform. Well there are times when I can't wear boxers under whatever I am wearing such as nice dress pants. Now anyone who knows me knows that I don't wear those kinds of clothes often, however recently I did and I needed something other than boxers. Well, going to the store to buy something other than boxers is very intimidating to me. Boxers are one thing, plenty of women sleep in them. But what I call "real men underwear" kinda scares me. For one, what if bought the wrong size? What kind should I buy? So many questions and who do I ask? I suppose I could ask the guy who I kinda feel like is my big brother, who himself is transitioning. There are just some things though that are uncomfortable asking. I feel like I am like 14 years old sometimes and it is very uncomfortable. Almost as uncomfortable and feeling like I am in the wrong body. Now I just feel like a kid in an adult body. Every day it feels like I have questions like this. I am finding that the physical transition is really the easy part, the social transition is much harder at least for me. That may not be everyones experience but it surely is mine. Especially as I present more and more consistently.

I am really starting to see how in this country we are socialized from birth to live in either gender role that we are born into. Depending upon the dynamics of where one grew up this can be more or less extreme. For me it was definitely on the extreme end of the spectrum. So although I was always a tomboy or whatever I am finding that there is so much I don't have a clue about and it is extremely intimidating. While I wish someone could give me a handbook I know that it is something that is just going to take time to learn. Thankfully due to my time in the military I have hope that I will learn quickly because I did when I was in the service, I adapted and did fine. So hopefully the same will be said for my civilian life.

So I didn't come out to my orthodontist even though I am going to have to go back to see him in late March. I couldn't deal with it. I am sure he noticed a change but he didn't mention it and neither did I. It is hard because he always brings up the military because he thinks what I did was so cool. He is a super nice guy, but it is hard cause I am trying to leave that part of my life behind. Yet he always wants to ask questions or comment on how cool it was that I used to fly all over the world. Like one week I would be in Iraq and three days later I might be in his office. Anyway it is hard for me, because I have so many issues still related to all that. Needless to say not only did I not come out to them because I didn't see the need I also left having all kinds of baggage being brought up. I dreamt about it last night even. So that sucks.

Today is the day that I started to have issues last time with my hormones, so I am really hoping that I don't have issues this time around. It was really tough, although at least now I can be aware of it and have a better handle on it. I am hoping that I won't have to switch to once a week shots because I really hate needles.