This train is moving fast

It has been days since I have not presented as male 100% of the time. It is weird, not once in at the very least the last three days has someone used a female pronoun with me. Beyond that I have not really noticed but this weekend was so surreal to me. Yesterday for instance I was with a friend and we were shopping, and she is looking for a specific piece of furniture so we went into an antique store. The owner was talking to her and motions at me and says something to the effect of "you bring this guy to haul it for you" and I wanted to look around and see who he was talking about. It was like "oh my god he is talking about me" it was the most surreal experience. I am not sure why it was so weird, maybe because I was with her and her daughter plus the daughters friend and in the past being around that many women would have made it near impossible for me to present well. Yet I seemed do just fine all day with them, used a mens bathroom without reservation and for the most part never felt uncomfortable that I wasn't presenting. Maybe it was that confidence that helped, I really never know. I got called young man by this guy today and that was weird because again I found it odd he was talking about me. It was like, wow the world does see me that way. I look young and I am presenting well...what an interesting concept. I am so used to being called young lady in the past that it is just an odd adjustment I suppose. It is also like I went from presenting most of the time to all of the time overnight. I am sure that part of that has to do with my voice, which is barely starting to drop but since it really was not too high before even a slight drop makes a difference. Also, as my mother pointed out today I need to shave. I was so surprised when she said it to me, because I had not noticed. The hair on my face, although more than I have ever had before was not in my own opinion noticeable but it was to my mom. With both of those things I am becoming more confident every day about who I am.

I was driving home though today and I realized that I have had really a relatively short period of time where I was adjusting to this new me. I went from not presenting ever, to presenting most of the time to now what seems to be even more if not all the time in a mere matter of two or three months. So physically I am more comfortable but emotionally and socially I feel like I am left behind. Those are the areas where there is so much growth to be done at least for me. So really I feel like a 17 year old boy in some ways, very awkward and uncomfortable navigating my way through this new world in which I live. The way I see the world is shifting as the way I interact with it shifts. I feel like I am on a train that I thought was going to go 100 mph but in fact is going 200 mph. There is nothing wrong with that other than I feel like I am holding on for dear life some days as I continue this journey.

I got my first male sponsor in the 12 step program I am a part of. This is a huge step for me, and a very important one because I have fallen away from the program and that is a very dangerous thing for me. While I never went back to using I can't risk the emotional craziness that comes from not being connected, especially right now in my life but really just ever. I need that support and connectedness more than ever at the moment. I had been very scared to find a guy and then ask him to be my sponsor because under normal circumstances that is a scary situation; however turns out a friends husband who is a totally solid dude and extremely liberal and open minded is also in the program with not a lot more time than I have but he is the solid type of guy I would want to sponsor me. I feel very unsure of what the future holds there, I am very uncomfortable and a little scared but it will be good. If there were anyone to trust he would be it, and he completely embraces me as Jackson without any questions asked. He also understands I am learning so much about what it means to be a man while for him it has always been the same as having hair or eyes, it just was. I really think it is going to be a huge growth opportunity for me. I also feel calmer and more at peace just having that connection started, for multiple reasons besides the fact it is another way into the male world in which I seek to live. I also introduced myself as Jackson at a meeting recently for the first time ever and again very scary for me. It was a non issue and no one seemed to think twice about it which was helpful. I need to get back into the meetings and now that I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin again I feel like I can jump back in. Funny how the gift of sobriety allowed me to get to this truth about myself and now finding peace with that truth is allowing me to have that gift back. That whole circle idea that things come back around, in this case so very true.