Struggling

I have been wrestling with an issue that is very close to my heart. My partner and I want to get married. We have been through a lot together and we realize that we really do want to be together and so we are finally going to take the plunge. Well, my moral dilemma comes from the fact that as a transgender person who has transitioned and changed all my paperwork over we can now get married anyplace. At least that is my understanding. The state and the federal government are recognizing me as male at this point. This really bothers me for a few reasons.

I have always been passionate about justice and fairness. When I came out and had the realization that I could not serve openly it was a huge blow for me. I am not going to go into that because I still have a lot of unresolved issues and my post isn’t supposed to be about that. So anyway we have gay friends who cannot get legally married. Well they can now in 6 states but that doesn’t mean it is recognized elsewhere and since we live in the beautiful State of Washington that is tough. Also federally there is that darn thing called DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act of 1996) that states marriage is between one man and one woman. This stops same sex couples from enjoying the same benefits from the federal government, which are approximately 1,100.

A little background for those who aren’t aware of my story; this is what I call the readers digest abbreviated version. When I realized in 2008 that I was attracted to women (which at that time made me a lesbian) I still had 3 years left in the military and my life up to that point had not made room for such a thing. In fact I was for the most part as naïve as they come about the gay community/world. I never knew, to my recollection anyone who was openly gay. I can think of one person who was a lesbian but she really struggled with it in the church and was constantly trying to change because the church told her she could and should. Anyway so I was unaware that gays and lesbians could not serve openly. I knew the policy exsisted but I never really gave it any though. I never thought about same sex marriage. I never thought about DOMA and I sure didn’t realize the discrimination that gay people face so often. So needless to say it was actually traumatic when I could no longer hide from myself and stay in the closet. It was traumatic to realize I could get kicked out of the military (which I absolutely LOVED) and that I was seen as a 2^nd class citizen. Every single aspect was earth shattering for me.

So fast forward two years; I realize my need to transition genders. Another earth shattering moment. This time though I had no way to comprehend that I was going to make the journey back to having some of those rights (sadly serving in the military was not one of them). Anyway though so here we are now, wanting to get married and it occurs to us that we can now get married, legally and that DOMA does not apply to us (Well in the same negative way). When we walk down the street we can hold hands, give each other a good bye kiss in public or whatever else and no one takes a second look! Since I feel the same on the inside that I always have all I can say is that it has been a major mind fuck on my part?!? Not to mention the way I see it is that we are elevated back to first class citizens from second-class citizens (In terms of how a lot of the world sees us, not necessarily how I feel). So it really has been a big struggle for me as I have realized these things. That leads me to this blog entry, my struggle with the issue of marriage.

This really bothers me, a lot. To the point where I am strongly considering not getting legally married right now. I realize that me not getting married really doesn’t do much for anyone. However I am a big proponent of the principle of things and to me that is what this is about. Just this morning on Yahoo! News there was an article that even when Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is finally gone (hopefully VERY soon) that those couples can’t get married still (DOMA) and that they won’t have equal benefits as heterosexual married couples even if they get married in states where it is legal. This means that they don’t get all kinds of benefits that instead of going into I will try to post the link. http://news.yahoo.com/military-gay-couples-wont-enjoy-benefits-153144283.html
Point being, as a veteran myself and one who did feel a victim of DADT this is extremely bothersome and just reinforces my desire to have a spiritual commitment ceremony versus a wedding.

On the flip side it is hard because those are some real financial benefits. None of our friends who are gay would ever ask us not to get married; I know that they understand I never transitioned to get married. It never crossed my mind until now. They support us either way. It is really me who feels more strongly about it and I know a lot of that is driven by my experience around my first coming out.

To kind of go along with that but also sort of changing the subject, I had been considering joining the VFW for some time now. There is a hall just 2 miles from my home and even a year later I continue to struggle with and miss the military. There is so much baggage still there; it seems no matter how much I work through it (although sometimes I just try to ignore it) I still have it. Needless to say I have also really struggled with some other things and after doing some soul searching and reading up decided that the VFW might just be a great fit for me. So I went and joined, and rather than getting a lifetime membership I got a year membership to start with. The guy was really nice and I am really looking forward to hanging out. They have a BBQ coming up in a couple weeks that I am excited to go to, and probably take my daughter (and partner if she is interested). Anyway they seem like a good bunch of guys (the ones I met anyway). They also do a lot of cool stuff around the city. I did not come out to anyone, and I am sure that I will at some point. The way I see it is that I am not going to hide it but I won’t advertise it either.

So here is my moral issue with this situation; the VFW as a national organization was extremely against repealing DADT and actually from my understanding fought to keep it in place (I could be wrong it is just my understanding from my own reading). That is somewhat disturbing to me. I realize that doesn’t mean that everyone there has those views. I also realize that I am member 712 at this hall and of those other 711 members some will have issues with gay people, some will have issues with me being transgender and some will not. Some will be assholes for the sake of being assholes (not even related to these issues, just assholes in general) and some will not. But aligning myself with an organization that so vocally tried to keep a discriminatory policy in place, denying veterans basic rights is hard for me. Especially because it was a policy that really impacted my life. So I am going to give it a try but I am hesitant not to mention very sad about this fact.

So these are a few of the moral, ethical, emotional or personal issues I am grappling with at the moment. I am not sure how they will resolve themselves, or when. I suppose only time will tell.