What does it mean then?

What does it mean to me to be transgender, if not that I had "penis envy"? I was thinking about that today and thinking that I might have left some people wondering in my last post, and in fact I did leave myself wondering. I think that what it means to me to be a transgender individual has really changed in the last year and a half since I first realized that I MIGHT be transgender. At first it was the scariest thing in the world and I felt like my life was sure to end. I didn't have a clue what it meant to me or why I was feeling that way? Was it because I wanted to have a penis? Facial hair? A deep voice? Had someone asked me that day (since thats where it was left after my initial realization) I would have been unable to articulate the reasons why I felt that way or what I wanted. All I knew as I sat in that restaurant was holy shit I felt like I wanted to be the dad to my unborn child and not the "other mother" as some might say. Beyond that I had nothing, nada, zip...it was as foreign to me as the moon is. 


By the time that I finally did start to accept the situation, which was not for another 9 months it was all rather quick. I realized I truly was transgender and the need to do something was so strong, and I was so fortunate to have the resources that I was able to transition immediately. Well it has taken a year but that is pretty darn quick really. So I have said it before that I have not necessarily processed through a lot of things regarding it. Thats okay because thats how I can be sometimes, jump first and think later. It always works out in the end. This is true of this situation as well. 


So if I don't envy men who have a penis, or thats not what I am fixated on so then what is it? For me it is being recognized by the world as a man. To be "accepted" so to speak into the man's world. To be part of the dad club. To be a husband. It is about how the world see's me. At home with my future wife our relationship has changed very little in terms of the dynamics. It is my identity in the world. At home I am still scared of spiders and make her kill them (well or live in denial about the fact she just puts them outside and lets them live). I still sleep with my teddy bear, I still cry at movies and am a sappy soft guy who loves animals and old people. So who I am as a person has not changed. Physically yes I have changed. The world now see's me as a man, and that is a fabulous thing. I am more comfortable in my body now, more secure and happy. Even if I had not had top surgery it would still be about having that letter "M" on my license. Or using a men's restroom. Just being one of the guys. It is funny really because I am very outgoing and extremely in touch with my emotions. I am very compassionate and have a huge soft spot for lost animals, old people and those who are lonely or hurting. I am just a very sensitive person and yet I identify as a very masculine man.


At this point I don't even think of myself as transgender, I just think of myself as a young guy living his life. I am just like any other guy I go to school with, who has a family or job or anything else. I finally see myself as the same as them rather than different. So it is about who I am at the core of my being, my soul, brain and body matching up. It really is not about anatomy,although I am deeply grateful to have had the opportunity to partially correct what I feel was/is a birth defect. That helps me be in alignment more with my true self, the self I always felt I was but couldn't articulate to the world. So thats what being transgender is to me, my self identity not my anatomy. It was really good for me to think about today, and really get in touch about what is important to me and who I really am. While I am still struggling through some issues with being transgender versus being born in the correct body I am grateful to at least experience the process, because it has allowed me to get in touch with myself in ways most people never do and that in itself is a huge gift.