A whole year!

Wow, my little girl is a year old today! I can hardly believe it. In so many ways this last year went so fast and at the same time it sometimes felt like it was going painfully slow. I can't believe that I am such a wonderful little girl's daddy. It is really interesting as I reflect on this, because I have a few other things I feel the need to blog about however I think I will shelve them until tomorrow and instead focus on her birthday and what it means to me. As any parent will know and vouch for surviving the first year is a huge deal. The learning curve is huge, and I am sure it will continue to be huge. Something about this year though when they are so little and precious makes it all the more challenging. From the time I dropped her and she hit her head (but is just fine) to feeding her things she shouldn't have (ice cream at 6 weeks old) to just plain being worn out and not wanting to get out of bed to address the crying coming from the room next door; being a parent is the most challenging thing I have ever done. I spent 6 years in the military so that says a lot about how hard being a parent is. On the other hand it is also the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Watching her learn to roll over or crawl for the first time. When she tried food for the first time and watching her learn to play with her toys by herself. Hearing her giggle and seeing her smile. Watching her learn to wave or blow kisses, or even better give "open mouthed fear for your life your child is going to bite you" kisses. The rewards are so many I can't even count them all. The bonus is the way that it has brought my partner and I closer, although not without our own challenges. It has made me a better person all the way around to be a father.

The best part is that I never thought I would get to be a father, well of course prior to her being born I was not even consciously aware that I wanted to be her father. I had hid from myself so much that even after getting sober it took 2 years and her birth to be able to face that. I am sure at some point I would have, however I am really grateful that I was given the chance to not only face it, but the ability to deal with it both emotionally and physically when she was so young. To think that I have been on "T" now for just over 6 months and I am 4 1/2 months post surgery is amazing. To think that all that has happened in the year since she was born. It has been a busy year that is for sure. Back to the father thing though. I am grateful because I know that I could never have enjoyed this year the same way if I was still "the other mother" as I felt I was. Which isn't to say that is bad, I don't think so at all. In fact we have some friends who are a lesbian couple and they are going to have a little girl this September and I could not be more excited for them. They are going to be amazing momma's! I can't wait to meet their little one. Anyway though FOR ME that just didn't work. Being a dad just was the deep longing of my soul. I don't know how else to put it.

When we found out we were having a girl I cried and cried because I was sure it was going to be horrible and I wasn't even sure I could love her (on top of struggling with not being biologically related to her). I was so worried about the stereotypes that I felt were pushed on me that I never fit into and I was bound and determined that she would not deal with those things. She was never going to own anything pink, or have dolls or anything girly. We would do EVERYTHING gender neutral and she could choose when she was old enough (although I prayed fervently that she would hate dolls and all things girly). I was going to the extreme due to my own issues, I can see that now. Within a short amount of time though I was buying her some girly things but still no pinks or purples. Well this morning I sent her to daycare in purple pants, a very cute pink jacket and pink cupcakes (of course for the cupcakes it did not occur to me that they were pink I got them cause I thought strawberry sounded good lol). Point being though that I have really come around and as I have transitioned and worked through my issues I can let her be her. Now I am so grateful to have a daughter.

This morning while I was in the shower she got her momma's necklace and was loving playing with it. She loves shiny sparkly things. She loves her doll. And she loves her dump truck and her legos. She loves her pink giraffe book and she loves her stuffed dog (as well as her real one). My point is that because she was born I was able to see and face my need to transition and as a result I can be a much better parent to her. I can let her be who she wants to be even at just this young age. She has already given me so much more than I ever could have guessed. She has given me the gift of being able to be myself, and I in turn can give that back to her. I am excited about the next 17 years (minus the teenage ones of course ;)

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