Dreams and other things

I had an interesting dream last night. This was profound enough that I am going to write about it, although I normally wouldn’t share my dreams. I have found that dreams are really a window into the depths of my soul and sometimes they can be really deep and personal.

This morning after I went back to sleep (after getting up with the little one) I dreamt that I was out with some friends and ran into a crew from my old squadron. Of course the guys who were on the crew were the guys that I feel would have been most judgmental of my life today and guys I never was very close with. At first I really didn’t interact with them much but then one of the guys (who I never really liked much) just wouldn’t give up asking why I got out of the military. He was badgering me, the way that he does with people. Part of what he kept asking was why I just disappeared; which is a story for a different post. He kept asking because it was pretty well known that when I was in that my intentions were to move forward with finishing school, getting a commission etc. So finally in the dream I just turned to him and was really blunt about the reasons that I got out. I just said that at that time I was a lesbian and my partner and I had a baby and I would not accept living under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell anymore, it was too difficult and just cruel. I think I said a few more things as well. I was not rude about it just painfully blunt.

This particular person is a pretty extreme conservative, even as far as conservatives go. So I just was blunt and then walked off, and in the dream I looked back and he was just standing there in shock. He didn’t even know what to say, and then I yelled something at him because he said something else that pissed me off. Anyway it felt really liberating for some reason. (If you are reading this and we were in the same squadron don’t worry you weren’t in the dream). It was like a small step in accepting the events that transpired, and moving on with my life. That is what it felt like in the dream, I said what I had to say to him and then I walked away. Anyway I am not entirely sure what it meant but I think in terms of my last post about getting married, the VFW etc that it was somewhat profound just because I have struggled so much with all those issues especially since I transitioned.

When I first got out (while still under the idea I was just a lesbian) I thought they would repeal DADT and I would go right back into the service. Had I known how things would transpire I think I would have done things in a different manner when I left. There was no closure for me. Anyway though unfortunately though in this country transgender people are not allowed to serve, hell even openly gay people are barely allowed to serve. I say barely be this weekend in San Diego for the first time openly gay soldiers who are in the military still marched in the gay pride parade. It was a huge day for gay rights and the military and I for one am proud of them for standing up.

So that was my dream and I do hope that it is the start of being able to finally move forward with my life.

I have been getting a lot of feedback on my last post, about marriage although not a mention of the VFW part. Maybe people just don’t feel they have anything to share on that subject and frankly that’s okay because that is more of a personal thing I think. Well since that post I have been thinking more about it and am still undecided about the legal aspect but we are going to get married in some fashion (maybe just spiritually). The idea of running off to Vegas and getting married by Elvis is actually appealing to us so who knows, we might just do that!

Changing the subject 180 degrees here, I have been really struggling with interacting with women. Let me elaborate, although I don’t remember I may have blogged about this subject recently because it is not a new issue. As a woman I interacted with other women in ways that as a man I am not sure is appropriate at times. That’s not to say every way I interact with them is not okay but the boundaries are just very different. This is especially true because I am sexually attracted to women. If I were to label myself (although I generally don’t and prefer not to) I would say that I am a straight male. The challenge arises because I was not socialized as a man my whole life, I was socialized as a woman and there are times I have remind myself I am no longer a woman because I will start to say something or interact in a way that men don’t do.

Anyway though so for instance we have some very young babysitters (18 years old) and I have felt somewhat uncomfortable being at the house with them alone for very long. Or calling them to arrange babysitting I wont’ do, I ask my partner to do that. There are just a bunch of situations like that where I feel like I am unsure of how to act. I am just finding that there are all these things I never thought about before.

So I had this ring, that was not my wedding ring and I just was wearing it one day and I realized that it made me feel more comfortable. In fact I think it might have been before we decided to get married. Anyway to me it felt like it was not only a sign that I am taken (which to me just makes me feel like I don’t have to worry to the same degree that I am being taken as flirty or interested) but also it just made me feel safer. I realize that for some you may not get that or even agree, but I am a very friendly and outgoing guy. Especially when I have my little one with me out in the world. I have really worried that if I even talk to a woman or am friendly that I will be taken as interested. Not to be arrogant but I know I am a good-looking young man. So I picked up my wedding ring this weekend because it was ready and I have worn in the last two days. It had not occurred to me to wear it before we get married, but I saw a guy in class wearing a wedding ring and asked him if he was married and he said not yet he was wearing it as an engagement ring. I thought that was a fascinating thing, and I kind of liked that idea. So I have been wearing it and it has really made me feel more comfortable. We had a babysitter yesterday come over and I felt much more comfortable, whether it was actually the ring or not I am not sure. Does it really matter though? I am not sure it does. I think it also just serves as a reminder to me about boundaries, my relationship etc. basically that I need to be more aware. So those of you that actually see me on a regular basis no we aren’t married yet but yes I am probably wearing it anyway.