Coming out again...

I have been meaning to blog all week, in fact I had one most the way written me for some reason I lost it. So it has been an interesting and busy week here. I suppose I will start with what happened at the orthodontist appointment on thursday. So I was not at all looking forward to it, and wasn't sure how I was going to handle it. I got there and thankfully had my favorite dental assistant that day, who I have come to know over the last four years and have bonded with on many levels not to mention that her brother was in the AF too. She also has always seemed very open minded and never flinched when I told her my partner and I were having a baby. She is just a very cool, laid back person. The dentist himself though while nice is very mormon and so that had me a little worried. I wasn't even sure I was going to say anything, after all I thought it was going to be my last appointment. Then I heard them talking and was able to decipher that no I have two more appointments after this (ugh does it ever end?) over the course of the next 6 months. Thats when I knew I had to say something, just how was I going to do that was the question. It didn't help me at all that when I walked in every dental assistant who wasn't busy came running up to ask about my daughter and see new pictures. I have been going there for so long, had a lot of issues with the work I had done as well as the extensiveness of it and my military work they all know me pretty well. So while a lot of people would say I shouldn't care what people think, in this situation it was really overwhelming to think about. Especially because there are kids and parents everywhere and of course the worst case scenario was running through my mind....which now looking back I am not even sure what that was.

So after they were done doing what they needed I asked if I could talk to the assistant alone, and she was awesome about it so we chatted for a minute and again she really didn't flinch but was super supportive and took me to talk to the dentist. She came with me into his office and as luck would have it (sarcastic here) his brother who is the other dentist there was sitting in there. So I got to explain it to both of them, and they were very nice about it but my dentist (although I do know both rather well) was having a little hard time with it I could tell by his facial expressions. I just explained that I was telling them mostly because I was getting uncomfortable at this point with being in the closest. His brother was much more chill about it, especially when I jokingly said that I was uncomfortable because there are some days I don't feel like shaving. I also told them that at this point I don't necessarily expect them to get my name right or even pronouns right. Now of course I hope they can try but it has been four years and I only have two more appointments. Anyway so it was really awkward for sure, and although for this specific situation  it went much better than I had thought in the whole of all my coming out experiences I would put this more on the bad end of experiences. I just have to focus though on the fact that it went better than I had expected. So in a nutshell that is how that went and I am glad it is over with and hopefully next time I can feel more comfortable being myself. Who knows though if they are getting the pronouns wrong, at least though my birth name is gender neutral so even if they call me that (which I expect they will) that no one is going to think twice.

So as I mentioned in a previous post I moved into an apartment this week. While not going into those details I will say it has been interesting moving in here, it feels like I am starting my life as Jackson. There is this very nice older man who lives below me and he is super friendly with me and I was able to introduce myself to him as Jackson and thats who I am to him. He locked himself out of the building and called me in my apartment (you have to call up to be buzzed in) to let himself in which tells me he thinks I am a nice guy. I actually went down though to open the door for him, just because I am not used to it. Anyway though and he was joking with me. It was an experience that made me feel happy. He has talked with me though a couple times, his name is Ted and he is very nice. I am actually hoping to get to know him more. The point of that though is that I am really starting to enjoy moving forward with my what I feel like is my new life. So as much as the moving part sucks, and all that is involved there I think it is going to really turn out to be a huge part of my transition.

It is so interesting being on the other side of the gender spectrum, because the other day I went into a meeting and there were about 5 or 6 other guys and one lady sitting in there already. It was clear that she was new to the program and feeling uncomfortable like many people do. My first thought was that I should go say hi to her and talk to her to help her feel more comfortable. Then I realized that holy crap I am just another guy and that isn't my place anymore. I mean I could say hi to her or whatever but really another woman needed to do that. It was so second nature though to me to want to do that, it was so weird to realize that. That now it is my job to do that with the new guys...wow what a mind fuck that was for a moment. Especially because although I am looking different on the outside now I am still the same person on the inside and so sometimes that really messes with my mind. Especially now that I am pretty much fully living in the world as a guy.

I need to get my gender marker changed and was going to see my doctor early next week and thought I would get it started then but now I had to change my appointment for 2 more weeks so I think I am going to make a special trip in to drop it off for him. Luckily he is super great and would do that for me. I am really feeling the sense of urgency to get that changed though, although with some other things my name needs to be changed on still. It is all such a pain in the butt process.

So I will end with this story. I went into my local Starbucks this morning with my daughter because I had her last night, and I pretty much know everyone there at this point because I spend a lot of time there and go in almost every day. So I walked in and all the ladies who work there were like "Jackson you brought the baby!" and they were all excited that I had brought her. It was really sweet and it made me so happy to be a dad. It was a two fold feeling, one of just how freaking awesome it is being a dad first of all. I can't imagine a cooler thing to get to do than parent. It was also cool though because to them I am her dad. I guess it was just a cool boost to my male self esteem...it is hard to explain. I guess I love that when we walked in they saw a dad and his daughter (and so did everyone else in there)and that is a dream come true for me. So it was a really cool experience for me, one that I have dreamed of my whole life and is now coming true.