Life on the other side

It is funny because I have so much going on, and yet I don't feel like I have anything to write about. I am very happy now 2 weeks post surgery. There is still a decent amount of swelling and discomfort, especially in the middle of my chest. I can not put my arms completely to my sides yet because of the discomfort and swelling. I took the tape off my incisions and that was a little scary just to really see it for the first time. I must say they look pretty good all things considered. Today I also stopped wearing my binder, per the doctors permission. It is so weird to get dressed and not have to put it on. Of course showering and dressing is still a chore. I have to take the gauze off of my nipples, and I can't let the shower hit me directly on my chest it can only hit below the incision points. The limited mobility combined with that makes showering a chore that takes much longer than normal. Then drying off, putting scar cream on and dressing takes a while too. In the past I could have showered and changed in maybe 10 minutes tops now it is easily 15 or longer. Which for the military in me is very difficult but I am learning to adjust and know that it won't be forever. 

Although there is still changes that are happening in terms of how the world perceives me there is no longer a question about my gender or that is how it seems recently. I emailed my doctor so I need to get on the gender marker change paperwork and that should get started this week. It seems rather straight forward which is nice. I am noticing some interesting things though about the male world that I never really saw before. 

I called my insurance company to change my name and gender there, and when I did my insurance went up almost $100 a year! For no other reason than if they are going to insure me as a man than I am going to pay more. A total load of crap in my mind but what is one to do? I love them or I might shop around. For now it is annoying but one more thing I can't deal with so I am going to pay it but not without taking note of it. The other big thing I noticed is that when I am out shopping, like I was this weekend at the mall that as a guy I am finding it much more difficult to get help from anyone. For some reason it just seems more difficult to get someone's help. Finally I worked up the nerve to ask the saleswoman for some help with a shirt and when I told her the reason she was super sweet and took pity on me lol. Then she went and got another saleswoman, also my mothers age and they both had me put the shirt on and looked me over and approved. Which was both sweet and embarrassing at the same time. I do love the shirt though so I guess it was a win all the way around. I am sure that the way I was dressed didn't help in my defense because with my hat backwards I am sure I looked like I was 20 years old. 

I am finding mens fashion to be thoroughly confusing. I can handle casual just fine, but anything more than that completely freaks me out. So many questions that I have that I never even thought about. Like buying a dress shirt, how the heck does one know what size they wear. I figured it out eventually but when I first started to look I was so used to women's sizing that I was thoroughly confused and there was no way I was going to ask someone so I went home and googled it instead. Thank god for google or other search engines because they help me with so many questions that I have about all kinds of topics. I am such a private person I hate to ask others. Although I do have my guys and I am so grateful for them there are still some topics I either don't want to ask them about or they don't know either. 

Today is a big, emotional day for me for many reasons. For one today is the official last day that I am in the military. At this point that doesn't mean a whole lot and most people didn't even realize I am still in the service but this date has been circled on my calendar for a long time. It is a very bittersweet day for me. I am happier today than I have ever been and would never trade that for anything in the world. I am realizing that it is time to let go of that part of my life, it is over and it is time I move on. I feel it is similar to the way some guys hold onto their high school football years as their glory years or best years of their lives and miss out on the rest. Those six years were amazing in many ways, gave me so much and that time is done. I am working on moving on, but it is hard. 

It comes on the same day that I am moving out into my own apartment for a trial separation. Transitioning with a partner is really difficult and so my partner and I are taking a break. It is a long story, that if you know me personally you can ask me about otherwise all I will say is that it is a mutual thing and best for us. Very hard though, and the day that it is happening on is ironic in many ways. I hope that March 14th doesn't always stand as a day of great loss for me.