Day 5 post op

This week while I have been laid up in bed I have had a lot of time to think and reflect about things, about my life. Now, I will freely admit that I have filled much of my free time with endless episodes of Desperate Housewives, Bones or any other show that is relatively brainless. I have also thought a lot though, about how this is really in some ways a new beginning for me. There is much of my life that I have regretted or wished I could do differently if given the chance. Those areas of my life I have always struggled to come to terms with, one might say they were/are my unresolved demons. Yet as I have laid here, I have realized that this is my second chance. From this moment forward in my life I get to choose who I want to be, as a man. What a liberating realization that is for me. The idea that as a woman I would have been able to do that was something I could not get my mind wrapped around. I could not understand how I could just wake up one day and make those decisions with everything around me looking the same as it had the day before. Yet now I feel like I got to wake up one day and be a new person, if only physically. Of course what it really is that I was given the chance to wake up and have my insides and my outsides match for the first time in my life. The transformation of myself on the inside has been happening, but that feeling of semi completion is incredible. I was talking to a friend who was telling me they can't wait to see the new me when I get home. Another friend told me that she couldn't wait to see how I was going to evolve, in that specific case we were talking about fashion but still for the first time in my life I really feel like I get to choose and enjoy it! I get to be intentional about decisions that so many people aren't. Not that it is bad that other people aren't but it is kind of fun to think about. It reminds me of a scene in the movie Runaway Bride where Julia Robert's character is trying every different kind of cooked egg to decide for herself what she really liked. That is how I feel right now and it excites me.

The other thing that has happened while laying here, generally just in my boxers is that although I am in decent shape I am not in the shape I was when I was younger. I defiantly gained a few pounds after getting with my partner, and during her pregnancy and the early days of parenthood. It wouldn't hurt me to lose 15 pounds probably, which although I have known there is something about seeing yourself almost naked all day every day for that reality to really sink in. I think now though it is going to be much easier for me to get back to being 100% happy about the shape I am in because I will actually like the body I am starting with. The only bummer is that I can't really do much working out for at least the next month, maybe more while I heal. That might push me back to running actually because it might be one of the few things I can actually do, I will have to look into that. So not only have I realized that I have gained a few in the last two years but also realized that the reason was because I was so unhappy with myself that taking care of myself wasn't a really a huge priority but I just couldn't see it.

So I have decided that sponge baths are far too much work for the lack of cleanliness that I feel afterwards. I mean it is better than nothing but Tuesday morning is not coming fast enough. I have gone that long in the past without a shower, but that was military related and so I was busy and had things to keep my mind away from the fact that I had not showered. In this case though I just am chilling out feeling gross. On the other hand today is the first day that I am really truly feeling like myself again, at least so far that is. I actually got dressed after my "bath" rather than just getting back into boxers. Something about knowing that I only have 24 hours more of these drain tubes, and thus discomfort is really a mental boost for me. I think it also helps that it is raining today and so I feel less trapped in the house for some reason. It is still early so I will have to see how the rest of the day goes.

My left side is swollen and sore, where as my right side is not. I don't know if it was always that way or I am just now noticing, either way it is not comfortable. I have started to play a little with my daughter, very carefully and for limited amounts of time. Yesterday I was laying on the bed and I had my partner put her on me and she kind of crawled up and put her head on my chest and cuddled. It was so sweet, and my partner said that she was missing me. Which is probably true because I have not been able to hold or cuddle her for a week. She laid there for a decent amount of time for an 8 month old. I can sit on the floor with her and hold her hands while she stands up because that doesn't take very much effort. I was able to change her today as well. Those little things are so special to me, it really makes me realize how much those small day to day things mean to both of us. I have also been feeding her and starting to do more with her and it really makes me feel so much better. It was so depressing not being able to play with her, especially because she wouldn't not grab for me or throw her body around in a way that would be hard for me. Now that I am more comfortable and healing some of that is more okay though. We also got to cuddle in the bed yesterday afternoon and she took a nap in the crook of my arm, which before the surgery was something that happened most mornings and I had been missing.

So overall I feel like I am on the mend well, and really looking forward to getting back to my life.