Finished?

I have been taking a break from blogging for a few weeks to mull over some things in my life and spend time on myself. I find blogging to be a very useful tool for me though so I knew I would be back. I suspect through the summer it will be less than any other time of year as I am trying to enjoy my “new” life and summer is so short here, especially this year. Also I am newly engaged and we have a lot going on in terms of planning a wedding or reception or whatever else. There are also a lot of other things going on so I just don’t have as much time. I am committed to keeping it going though even if it is sparse for a while.

There have been many topics I have thought about blogging about recently, however this topic that I will share about tonight is a topic that continues to come up when I talk to people. It is also a topic I know people wonder about. So this will likely be my one and only post that I talk about this subject in, mostly because it is personal and really no one’s business. So I offer it up more as a learning experience, because I would not expect most people to know these things.

To start with being transgender FTM (female to male) is not about what many would call “penis envy” for me. When I started my transition last year it was not to end up with a penis. Now, that’s not to say that I don’t wish I had been born with one because sure I do. I wish I had been born in the correct body. However that was not the case for me. I have never felt that transitioning for me was about achieving that. For some transmen they choose to go through the “entire” process (and I use that term loosely) and they have what is called “bottom surgery”. This procedure is also known as Phalloplasty. There are a couple of techniques for this but essentially it is building a penis where there was none. It is a very expensive procedure and the success rate is very limited. The risks are also high. Therefore it is estimated that 9 out of 10 transmen at this point do not have this surgery done.

Testosterone therapy does make the clitoris grow and change and become more penis like. Growth depends upon many things including how long one has been on testosterone and varies for each person. Again this is more important for some than others. More than anything for me it has been a fascinating thing to watch.

This naturally brings people to the next question, how do I use the bathroom? Yes I am sure many of you have wondered this and no one ever asks, which I can understand why no one does but I want to clear it up. So I use the bathroom the same way I did before; I use a stall, and I sit to do it. Now there are many devices out there that I can use to stand and pee using a urinal if I so wanted to. They are not difficult to use, honestly I am just not highly motivated at this point. I always consider it and then I just never do. There are different kinds of what are referred to as “STP’s”…which can range from two dollar make at home kinds to expensive buy off the internet; some kinds look like a real penis and some do not. Some I could wear in my boxers and “pack” so as to give the impression of something, or some you can just put in your pocket to use when ready. There really are endless possibilities if I wanted to use one. Like I said at this point I don’t really because I am lazy more than anything. I should work on it just so I have that option if I were to ever find a bathroom without a stall, but so far that has not happened to me. Men do not even care if you use a stall or a urinal and the more I have realized this the less I have cared. This weekend we attempted to go camping (very long story) and in the bathrooms there were stalls and urinals but the doors didn’t lock and were old and really didn’t even shut all the way. It made me a little uncomfortable about sitting to pee, and that would have been a situation I wished I could have stood to do so.

This brings me into my next topic, which is have I finished my transition? I find this question rather odd honestly. While I understand why people might ask I would have to say that the answer is no I have not. The reason that I answer this way is because do we ever arrived in life? Do we ever finish growing and changing? Are we ever fully done with out journeys? The answer to this, for me at least is no I am not. Until the day I am done on this earth I will be growing and changing and still becoming myself. So while physically the major changes have slowed down (but still happening) and emotionally I am slowly starting to adjust, who I am as a person will never be finished morphing each day.

Also I have found that each and every trans guy I have met has had a different journey that involves different time frames. Mine was rather quick so far and for some it takes longer for whatever reason (by choice or not). They are no less a man than I am. I am not better because I have had top surgery and would be perceived to be “finished” simply because I am living as a man in the world 100%. So I don’t really like the saying that I have finished my transition because I feel it could imply the wrong things about my brothers. We are all on this journey together, whether we are friends or not, know each other or not. It is not a race to the finish line, or a race at all. There is no finish line as far as I am concerned. I might be physically more male then ever before but I still have so much to learn about living as a man. I am very happy with my body today (other than I wish I was in better shape). I am content with what am when I walk down the street for the first time in my life. So I feel as though while I am not finished per se' I am at a place of contentment. 

My final thought is this, that what I have discovered is a penis does not make a man. There is far more that makes a man than what is between his legs or his ability to procreate. So I do feel like a man, know that I am a man and feel secure in that without needing a penis. After all, what is between my legs is between my partner and I, and it works for us.