Life has really gotten away from me this last week or two. I think my last post was about my little girl turning a year old! Wow how this year has flown by; I can hardly believe she is already a year old, and starting to say words and wanting to walk. What an amazing thing it is to watch her grow and learn and explore the world. Anyway more on that after my life update.
I just finished another class, which feels awesome. I feel like I am never going to get done but then again I am one class closer. My trigonometry class has been a huge source of stress for me. I finally got some help with my ADHD and Dyslexia, which included going on some meds for the ADHD and I will say it has made such a difference in the last two weeks. I am wishing now that my pride had not stopped me from getting that help before, although I only got diagnosed last summer. Anyway so I am now one week away from the final and I am very behind, in large part due to those issues but also just juggling life. Now I am busting my booty to get caught up, finish and get a half way decent grade (well hell I would be happy to pass the class now and I think I can but might not be much more than that). So it has really been a struggle, as math always has been but then fighting those issues as well has felt like I am climbing Mt. Everest without ever having climbed a mountain before in my life. While the medication helps it doesn’t take away the dyslexia and I am still struggling with those issues, such as transposing the answers so I might have the right answer but put it in the wrong order (such as if the answer were like 9, 6 I might put the 6 first) so I did the math right and I understand that but I make small errors and still get the answer wrong! Needless to say it has been extremely frustrating this week but I have had a couple frank conversations with my teacher and he is really nice and helping me as much as he can. I finally feel a little less overwhelmed and hopeless but I still have to get through this next week.
I moved out of the apartment that I had rented while my partner and I were separated. I know that is what saved our relationship, a needed break to work through our issues. We are now, as of today officially living together (like the apartment is gone) even though we had been for a few weeks now. We are going to get married, and I think we are going to move forward and get legally married actually. I had written about my struggles with that in numerous posts before but I really think that I have been able to work through some of my issues around that, at least in terms of DOMA and DADT.
Which mentioning DADT, the official repeal date is September 20, 2011. That is the day it finally dies, and I have some bittersweet feelings. When I choose to transition last year I really didn’t have much hope it would get repealed and so didn’t want to wait around to transition hoping for something I didn’t have faith would come about. Now that it actually has there is a small part of me that wonders if I might have waited to transition because I so badly wanted to stay in the military? Now I can’t go back because I am transgender and have transitioned, so even though I am a thousand times happier now than before there is a small voice in the back of my head that asks me that question. I don’t really know what I would have done or not, it is just something I have been thinking about. I am very happy it is gone though and that it did happen so soon.
The other day I was shaving and I cut my face for the first time; it really hurt and didn’t want to stop bleeding for a few minutes. Who knew that it would hurt so dang bad? Needless to say I am very happy with how the facial hair growth has recently increased dramatically; although am finding it annoying to shave every day or have very noticeable stubble. Today my partner asked if my voice would continue to drop or if it was done? I should look that up because I don’t know but it did make me wish I had done voice recordings to see how far it had come already. I am happy with it as is so I don’t mind one way or the other. It is hard to believe it has been 7 months already on “T”. My acne has been bad again lately and that is really frustrating to me, but it could be so much worse so I try to look at it that way. It is just bad for me, who never really had any issues in the past with it but I suppose I just need to remember I am still like a teenage boy in puberty in a lot of ways.
Now that our daughter is a year old I am getting that yearning for another kid, a sibling for her. I never thought I would say that or feel that but I really am. I just love being a dad so much. So we are looking into trying next month, and since I don’t have sperm we have to buy some. It has been interesting to do that with this kid because my partner is really letting me do the searching and deciding. She had one thing she really wanted but the rest is up to me. Of course we are talking about it etc but she is letting me pick in the end. It is fascinating to see what I am drawn to this time around, as though it were my sperm. In a way though it is cool because I can decide what I like. For instance I am looking for guys of a certain height and weight and then narrow it down from there. Now it is narrowed down to 2 different ones, both of whom sound a lot like me and like guys I would enjoy being around. They have the attributes I like about myself and would hope my child would have. Being a guy this time around the sperm donor matters in a different way than it did the first time. I am going to sleep on it tonight, and decide tomorrow cause we have to make a decision soon to get it in time. The whole process is fascinating really. Explaining to the fertility clinic was very interesting; they just didn’t get it at first. I really had to be like “No I don’t have sperm because I was born a woman” and then they were really nice about it and accepting, they just didn’t get it.
I was out to dinner with my family recently and my partner informed me that the waiter referred to me as “her” a couple times. I didn’t even notice or hear it because at this point that NEVER EVER happens so it didn’t even cross my mind that it was directed at me. She assured me it was though, to which I just think to myself…”REALLY???” because that has not happened in months and there is absolutely no reason for that to happen. I can blow it off now and ignore it because I know that no one would ever suspect anything at this point. He is the one who looks bad for making the mistake. Also for some weird reason the fact that my ID has the correct gender really makes me feel so much more secure. Anyway I thought that was really random. I have had some random phone calls lately asking for me, but with my old name and gender. That’s really weird feeling to say the least. Depending upon who it is dictates how I answer.
Today I went to a baby shower for some friends. I think they are great and are going to be awesome mommies, and I went as support for the mom to be who is not pregnant. I have always enjoyed her company and she is wonderful. I remember how I felt last summer being in her spot, the so called “other mother” and how challenging that was (especially being butch). So I went and that was an experience being the only guy; especially because only a small handful of people knew I am transgender. One lady was actually kinda a bitch to me, but whatever I didn’t take it personally. So anyway I had this great book I wanted to pass on to her, about being the lesbian mom who didn’t give birth. Loved the book, it really helped me but I realized that giving it to her in front of everyone I might end up outing myself. The crowd just didn’t seem entirely welcoming of me as a guy there so I choose to give it to her discretely but it was interesting from a guys perspective (especially cause I hated them even before I was a guy). Just another experience of having a window into both worlds and how weird that can be at times.
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