Spirituality

 I am sitting in my living room looking out the window watching the sun set. I can see part of the water and the bridge to one side and the Olympic mountain’s to the other. It is a beautiful sun set, as it always is this time of year. I am grateful to get such a view every evening.

I have been meaning to blog about this for a while, and then I had an experience tonight, which humbled me. I have a friend who is near and dear to my partner and I. She has been sick off an on for a while now and she told us tonight she is sick again. As with anything in life things are uncertain, and it really touched me at a very deep level. I feel sad tonight. Anyway though so I came home and I was putting my little girl to bed and just thinking about how short life is. Even if you live to be 90 years old, in the grand scheme of the world that is still pretty darn short. She was crying and crying like she normally does, but tonight I couldn’t listen so I went and rocked her and she cuddled up with me and went right to sleep, even though it is really hot in our house. It was very sweet and I just thought to myself how special those moments are.

 

So I am building her a sandbox. I could go buy one that is plastic, or even wood I suppose. However I hate plastic toys for the most part. Also I had some wood that was in the yard that needed to be used up so I decided what better way than to do this. I also find great serenity and satisfaction out of building things with my hands. So I laid in bed one night a week ago and dreamt up how I wanted this to look, and then the next day got my tools together and got to work. My life has been pretty busy with school so it has only allowed for me to work for an hour here and there, or sometimes just a few minutes. While it is a relatively easy project it has taken a while to get done. Also, I don’t use power tools. Well okay I use a power drill to drill the holes before I put the screws in. Otherwise I use hand tools. I know how to use power tools so it is not that I don’t or am afraid of them, I just find it not as satisfying for some reason. So I am building a nice, square sand box out of recycled wood and some hardware that was looking kind of shabby so I spray painted it black. I think it will look good when it is all done here in a day or two. I am very excited for the end result.

My grandfather was very good with his hands; he built two small wooden boats by hand and took them out to the sound to go fishing. I saw him tinker with things in the garage, fix things around the house, and over all just generally be creative with his hands in that way. My father is the same way. As I have written about my grandfather passed away a couple years ago and sadly that is what really pushed me over the edge to get sober. As a result I feel like I wish I could get to know him now, because there is so much more I would love to talk to him about and get to know. I still feel like I knew him well, and I feel like his spirit is with me. In fact I took his middle name when I transitioned. Throughout the last three years of sobriety I often feel like my spirituality is deeply tied to him. I think of him often and there are many things about being a decent human being I learned from him. When I am out in the yard or the garage building something, or fixing something around the house I feel a connection to him. Of course the result of building something with hand tools versus power tools is that it is more challenging, takes longer and often doesn’t turn out as nice (although I must say pretty darn good). The sweat and effort I put into it is a labor of love for sure. When I built the chicken coop last year it was the same way. I enjoy it more though doing it this way, and it is really a spiritual experience for me. The sandbox is all but done, I meant to finish it today but this morning was rough with the little one. An hours worth of work tomorrow though and it should be ready to roll, maybe literally if I decide to put the wheels on it I bought (or I might not, depending on how motivated I feel). I also feel really good that I can build this for my little girl; even though I could buy one that’s just as good. She was playing with the scraps of wood the other night as blocks and it made me so happy. I hope some day we can build things together in the yard.

All this brings me to the point, which is that I am so glad I transitioned when I did. I often write about wondering if I made the right decision with the military and how much I miss it. I think tonight really reminded me that I did make the right decision for me. To be true to myself is the most important thing in life, and sometimes that costs a lot and sometimes that is painful. In this case it cost a lot and it was painful, and still is very painful. However I know that I am a thousand times happier than I was a year ago. I know that it was right for me to do this and that I am so grateful to be able to be her dad, and be a husband and a brother and all those things. When I started to transition a year ago I had no idea what lay in front of me and I was terrified. So far I am pretty happy with how things have turned out. More than anything though I am grateful that through my transition it has allowed me to be more emotionally present with my daughter, partner and those around me.  I can really see my transition as a gift now, and that is a big change from a year ago when I felt like it was a huge burden. Just like my friend who is sick and I feel like I don’t understand, I don’t know why I am transgender and others aren’t. I don’t know why I felt I had to transition and others don’t. But today I can embrace it as what the universe gave me and I can try to be grateful and make the best out of it