Sometimes I hate bathrooms

Today I had an experience that was shocking to me. I walked into to a men’s bathroom and my jaw dropped, there on the wall were two urinals. That was it, just two urinals. Of course I really had to use the bathroom too…so after I got over the shock I went and looked to see if there was a family bathroom. I was in a restaurant and luckily the bathroom was in the far back so no one saw me searching. Also thankfully it was just a short distance down, however that was my first experience like that. It was rather scary if I am honest, because for a brief moment I really didn’t know what I was going to do and my partner was already sitting down and had ordered a drink. For me it really just reinforced the feeling for the need to be able to stand and pee if I want or in this case need. Needless to say, that has been something that I have been working on and doing something to remedy. Without going into a lot of details I will just simply say that it is an interesting process to learn to do having not done it my entire life.

For some reason lately I have had a few more experiences where someone calls me “she”. Today it happened, with someone who knows I am transgender because they know my partner but they had never met me before and as of today there is no reason to even suspect I was ever anything else. So it surprised me, and in fact I heard her say it but didn’t comprehend she was referencing me and my partner quickly corrected her. She didn’t apologize and I think that was better because then we could all go on and it was not as uncomfortable. It only happened that once, however then tonight it happened at school too? I mean thankfully we had also been talking about my daughter so anyone who heard this person say it would probably have not known he was making the comment about me rather than to me but I was still surprised. I am not sure why all of a sudden recently that has started to happen more. I have learned through this process though not to always assume that people are referencing me when saying “she” and so I often don’t always catch it or even acknowledge it anymore.

I am getting more chest hair, which since I can’t do anything about I am accepting but not terribly excited about it. My chest still is rather numb and I can feel some nerve damage or something on my left side. I am learning how to stretch which helps a lot and that it comes and goes. The biggest issue is that I am still to some degree uncomfortable with my chest being touched much by my partner. For one part are still tender. More than that though I have this weird fear that my nipples will come off. I know that sounds funny, but after all they took them off and then shaped them into a male nipple and reattached them. Clearly after 5 months all is well but in my mind I fear it. Also I don’t really have much feeling in them, which I feel is very unfortunate, although I have some so I can be grateful I have any. I am hoping in time that as I continue to get comfortable with it, as it continues to heal that I will feel more comfortable with her touching me. I feel sad that I am not very comfortable yet.

I am finding that I really prefer to live “stealth” and that is mostly attributed to the fact that I really want to explore who I am beyond just a transman. I want people to know me, like me (or not) based upon who I am not “what I am”. I have always felt that way, I felt that way as a woman too. A person should be judged on who they are, their character and person not anything else. Maybe judged is even the wrong word, but I think the point is clear.

Tonight I found myself driving to school when I suddenly felt scared about what waited for me. I am starting a new term and this class is one I attempted before. In fact it was the class that I attempted as my first class back after the Christmas break, so the first class I was coming as Jackson. In other words before Christmas I had not been out as transitioning (although the people who work at the school knew) and so I was anxious as it was. It is a required class that tends to have a lot of students in it so that first day back in January I walked up to the class, saw a few guys I served with in the military and pretty much had a complete panic attack. I was very grateful for the gal who works the admin desk there, she is great and that evening provided much needed support to me. I didn’t know at the time how great, that I have come to find out this last 8 months. She has been incredibly supportive and a great listening ear through this process. Since I am not working, school has been the biggest place I have transitioned and still had to be. So back to that night, she sat with me and talked with me while I was overcome by fear. She didn’t try to convince me to stay in class; she just listened and then sat and helped me find a class that didn’t have anyone in it that I knew (which she wasn’t supposed to really do she said?). So here I was tonight, heading back to this class not sure who was in it, how many people and for some reason didn’t even look to see who was teaching it. I became terrified and really had to talk myself down, did some deep breathing etc on the way. Thankfully I got to school and there are only about 8 other students and it is another class where the instructor teaches from a distant campus and we see him via the Internet. There is a guy in the class who knew me before, but I never really liked him so I don’t really care and nothing was said. Needless to say that was the first time in a while that I was worried about school. It is interesting because last term I had a woman as a professor and I was not at all worried that if something were to be said or happen that she would not have stood up for me or nipped it in the bud. However in a room full of men I feel a lot more vulnerable for some reason. Like I said though it went fine and I anticipate it being an easy class actually.

It has been an interesting week for me, a lot more fear and many more uncomfortable situations than I have had in a while. I am going to be very glad when this week is over.