Gender

Gender and gender roles are not something I gave a lot of thought to prior to two years ago. I think that I had thought about it on a subconscious level however never really giving it any serious time. As I transition I am realizing that there is a very large gender spectrum out there that people call fall on. A straight guy could be rather feminine or a lesbian could be stone butch. It is all part of the spectrum. Well for me, I am finding myself at least now falling into the very masculine, male protective role. I love the idea of being a traditional man in a sense. The idea of being a knight in shining armor so to speak is appealing. I have always been a tough person, who loved the outdoors. I enjoyed chopping down trees on our property as a child with an ax not because I was scared of a chain saw, but because I liked the feeling of accomplishment of falling a tree the old fashioned way. My entire life has been characterized that way, and still is. Although now as I transition I can really embrace all aspects of that, some of which I never knew were important to me and some of which I never felt I could embrace before. However, I am not a straight man and I think I will always identify as queer. Maybe not, that could change over time as well and I am fine with that. Part of me enjoys being part of the queer community at the same time I love the idea of being a strong, truck driving, carhart wearing man. I don't own a truck right now (one of the only times in my life ironically enough) but that is how I am most comfortable and how I want to be. I want to embrace all things considered manly. Yet I have some trans friends who aren't this way at all, and they are awesome dudes but they are not interested in being super masculine or that just isn't who they are. That is what I am finding is so great about this whole thing, I can be who I am and be true to myself while my friends can be true to themselves and we are all men and yet we are all different. That there is no single way a man should be. It is all part of the gender spectrum. Now of course if you were to ask someone outside the queer community they may not entirely agree with that and that is okay.

At the same time I want to be a masculine man, I also like being romantic and cooking for my partner or being in touch with my feminine side as well. I like the well roundedness of it all that by being in the queer community I can embrace it all and it is perfectly okay and accepted. I don't wear the pants in my relationship, nor do I want to. We are equals, and yet I am the man. That is such a fabulous way to be I am finding. I want to be the man, but I don't want to wear the pants. I never knew that could be a possibility. I never knew I could be a tough, hardworking man and still be loving with my daughter or cry at a sad movie. I am so glad that I realized that there is more to the gender spectrum and strict gender roles than that much of the heterosexual world embraces. I feel so liberated, and so free to evolve and discover myself and what I want to be and that it can change freely. I used to be scared of it, and now I am embracing it.

I leave on Saturday morning for SF. My partner decided to fly down and meet me with our young daughter rather than drive that long way with her in the car. It is going to be interesting, and I can hardly believe that it is just a few days away! My voice is continuing to drop and it has been a very long time now since I have not presented. If I am not presenting for some reason at least people aren't saying anything to me. Generally though I am being accepted as male in the world and as exciting as that is it is also a change that I am adjusting to but trying to embrace and enjoy all at the same time.