Uncomfortable moments

I have been feeling more intimidated by bio men the more that I seem to present consistently myself. For instance if I have to walk past two guys who are talking in a parking lot to get into the store for instance I feel very insecure at my ability to present. I am sure that I am the only one who has an issue, because things are changing and I am presenting the majority of the time at this point it seems. So why is that? I am not sure to be honest but I wish I knew. I have noticed in the last few days especially I am no longer being called ma'am. Today I called my credit card company to change my address on there and the guy never said sir or ma'am to me. My female name is gender neutral but that never stopped people in the past from referring to me as ma'am. I have had two people tell me in the last week that they thought my voice was already changing a little and since it wasn't high to start with it might have changed just enough to give me that edge that people don't know.  It could also be just how I am talking, the words I am using or not using etc. 

So I had an awkward situation occur today that I had not anticipated. I started my period. Yes that is right, what I am hoping is my last one ever. Frankly I am surprised because first of all I had my last one just about 3 weeks ago but also because I am on a rather high dose of testosterone. Anyway though so it makes things a little uncomfortable for me in the sense of using a men’s bathroom. For one, I am using a men’s bathroom and changing feminine products. Those two things just don’t feel right even in the same sentence. Secondly though is that in men’s bathrooms they don’t have those small trash cans in the stall so I am forced to do something else with my things. Which is just awkward in and of itself. I don’t know…for some reason that is probably completely understandable sitting on a toilet in the men’s bathroom unwrapping a tampon just seems really wrong or weird. I feared getting caught although I don’t know why I feared that. That fear that if someone were to walk in right at that moment then they would hear the wrapper or something? I don’t know what the fear was exactly other than it was there. It doesn’t feel right. I am becoming emotionally and psychologically farther and farther from the female self I once was and yet my body has yet to catch up. That is challenging for me at times, and more so at times like this than at other times.

I have yet to change my name and today there were a couple of instances where I was forced to use my female name, and besides having to stop and be consciously aware of it I also felt like I was talking about someone else when I said it. It just isn’t me anymore. That is a good thing I suppose, although a challenge as well because I probably won’t change my name for some time still. Thankfully my female name is gender neutral so I can get away with not changing it for a while although to me it only signifies the female I was and could never signify the male I am. Although I had to call my credit card company today for something and for the first time ever they didn’t say ma’am to me so that is some big progress. I need to keep working on changing it in the places I can that don’t need paperwork, and it is surprising how many places let you.  Anyway those are just more of the daily challenges that come with being transgender at this stage in my transition. I am sure there will be more tomorrow.