Slip up...

Tonight I had "slip up" of sorts that was rather upsetting. I was on Facebook as I often am and was feeling a little sad about the military and missing some people. There was something on a friends page that reminded me of a certain person so I "Facebook stalked" them which is not something I make a habit of but tonight I went and took a look. I miss the people I served with and all that it was to me. So I was looking on his page, and saw something another guy I served with posted and it was hilarious and so without even thinking I "liked" it as Jackson. I almost immediately realized my mistake and undid it. I figured that unless this guy was on Facebook the moment I did it he wouldn't know and he wouldn't know who I was anyway. How wrong I was...within 2 minutes I had a friend request from this guy. I had gone to school with him, served with him, spent a lot of time with him. So of course I was rather freaked out, mostly because anyone who wanted to could find out that I am still technically in and so I really don't want my name being brought up before March 14th because the last thing I need is someone to realize there were some things left undone that I have no intention to deal with. I have managed to make it this long, so I am just hoping that I can hold out under the radar for just a little while longer. This whole situation is not helping. So as soon as this all happened I realized that my old Facebook page under my old name, with all my old friends from the military and other places who don't know was still activated. So I went over to that page to deactivate it, I just had forgotten to do it cause I never log on anymore. There I am, logged on all of again 2 minutes and he started to chat with me saying something about he though I changed my name and what is up etc....so I quickly logged off and deactivated it. So I feel anxious, there is no one in my old unit who I have told I am transitioning except one guy and he is very trustworthy. However this was a very weird interaction so I kinda fear what may come up, especially because I am well aware how gossip and things like this spread and how shop talk happens there. I was thinking about it, and had it been March 15th I probably would have accepted his friend request because I do miss the guys. I miss a lot of them and have felt unsafe interacting with them on Facebook (or in any real way)but in some cases is about the easiest way to keep in touch with them because our lives are busy. I suppose I am writing about this because it is all about coming out, or not coming out and feeling safe as who I am versus feeling forced to be fake still.

I am convinced, at least in my own life that coming out is one of the hardest parts of my transition. For some reason I still care what people think, although I have made a ton of progress in that area. There is a lot of fear of what it may do to my life and so I am anxious to transition and live my life and then have the ability to share with who I want and when I want rather than the situation I am in now. The situation as of now is that I end up coming out to everyone and that is getting really old. I am tired of being seen as a transman and just want to be seen as the man I am. I am tired of the pain and loss that has been such a constant part of my life the last three years. I am ready to move on with my life.