Tomorrow is the day!

Holy crap...I sit here tonight eating my pre surgery donut (my indulgence since I don't like chocolate) and doing some things that need to be done. Then I stop and think that in 12 hours I will be in surgery...hours, it is down to hours! The baby is asleep and everyone else is out of the apartment so it is a few minutes to myself. What a luxury! Today I had my pre-op appointment with Dr. Michael Brownstein. He was nice enough, rather impersonal not that that is a bad thing just surprising is all. He is extremely professional and I totally trust him with this procedure. I know that I am going to be happy. Although he was impersonal he was also strangely laid back and made me feel very reassured about the entire thing.

It is so weird to think that I just took my chest binder off for the last time (not including the one I will wear after the surgery, that is a very different thing in my mind). That tomorrow morning I will put on a sports bra for the last time in my life. It is amazing, wonderful, and a day I have always dreamed about. Yet it is surreal and I almost can't believe it is happening. I think it is not going to hit me until I wake up afterwards.

The surgery is 2 1/2 to 3 hours and starts at 0730. So he said I would be in recovery by 1030 and only in recovery probably an hour and a half maybe a small amount more. So by 1300 I will likely be home or on my way home. My partner is not going to stay the entire time, because by some amazing coincidence the surgery center and out apartment are minutes apart. That was not planned but works out fabulously. So she will take me in the morning and once I go in will come back home and then go back to pick me up. He also said, just from talking to me and looking at me that he thinks my recovery is going to go smooth and quickly. Lets hope he is right :) I am a little annoyed because my last post operative appointment got moved from tuesday to monday and I really think that we are all going to be very ready to go home and ever day makes a difference. I am sure it will work out but I am almost already itching to be home. I love SF but this is not really a vacation, it is more like business and that adventure is kinda getting old already.

I have not as of yet posted any personal pictures of myself however I do plan to take some tomorrow and I will likely post them. Might not be face shots but I will consider putting something up. I am suddenly feeling scared, not because I don't want the surgery but it is a huge life altering thing that I feel like I have either by choice or circumstance not processed through fully. Not to say I am not making an informed decision, I am totally making an informed decision. More like emotional stuff around it because the whole thing is happening so fast (which I am SO grateful for). For instance my partner heard me talking on the phone today and she told me later that she didn't recognize my voice and thought it was a guy outside! My voice is really changing, which is great of course. My facial hair in general isn't doing much but the chin area like where I would have a goatee at is totally growing faster than I ever thought it would. I am totally stoked about that because I have discovered that really the only time anyone uses a female pronoun with me is the days I shave. Not that I do that often, I am rather lazy but there is a correlation. I really didn't think facial hair was going to be important to me but it is turning out to be.

I was thinking the other day, about my transition and how fast it has been. I had a friend once who told me one of his favorite things about me was that when I made up my mind about something I "grab the biggest bull by the horns and go for it" and he was basically saying that I don't do things half ass generally. Once I make my mind up I go for it, regardless of how big and or scary it is. Looking back on my life that is very true, and still is. We are no longer friends however that comment has stuck with me and given me strength. It has shown me that that is a quality that I want to keep, and that just because I do it doesn't mean it isn't scary. No one is expecting me not to be scared or nervous and that is okay. Yet who I am, intrinsically as a person is they type of person who grabs the biggest bull by the horns and goes after it. Tomorrow is yet another one of those for me.