A bunch of rambling

Well, as a continuation of my last post I was again pleasantly surprised this week by someone and their acceptance of me. I had my 2^nd to last orthodontist appointment and I was a little uncomfortable going in there after my last appointment where I came out to them and it was the most uncomfortable coming out experience EVER. But I went, and as luck would have it was the one nice day this week so I was in jeans, a t-shirt and flip-flops. Anyway though so the Dr. called me Jackson and they had changed my record so everything said male and Jackson. No one acted weird or made anything seem as though it had been different last time. Well the dental assistant was brand new and had never met me before so the Dr would use repeated female pronouns with me (out of habit and I forgave him cause he is so nice and I felt that the situation called for some forgiveness) but she kept calling me by male pronouns. As I was leaving he came back up to me, shook my hand and told me he was sorry and that he had known me for so long as something else and it was hard to make that mental switch but he was okay with the situation otherwise. Anyway I just really appreciated that, and of course the dental assistant who I hate to say it was your stereotypical blond ditz just stood there looking confused. She was nice, just very blonde (sorry my blond haired friends). I had to go back today to get my retainers and I took my daughter, whom they always asked to see pictures of. He has a daughter who is 2 months older than mine so anyway it was a sweet experience because I have known them all so long. The entire office stopped working to gravitate to me and swarm us…and of course she had not napped in the car like normal so was very cuddly and not smiling or anything but that’s okay. Then they all said thanks for bringing her in (women and babies…WOW!). I am just really having a lot of positive experiences lately with my transition and it gives me a renewed hope in the world. After all my dentist is a very staunch Latter Day Saint and the last person I thought would be accepting but he was.

So onto another note I am completely, 100% over school…lost ALL motivation just really struggling. The end is in sight and I happen to be taking a really crappy class, a.k.a Financial Accounting. I am 2 weeks from being done and I have really let things slip to the point of I am praying I can get a “C” in the class. Which with my strong interest in a master’s degree at some point may not really help me. My last couple classes have been “C” work when I got much better than that in the past so I know I can. It is just hard to be so burnt out, which I am and yet if I can hang on and press through I should be done with full time school by the end of this calendar year best case and worst case very early next year. Worst is 9 months from now…which might not seem like a long time to a lot of people but me, at this point feels like forever. I already have enough credit hours to graduate just not enough to get a degree. I have 135 credit hours, but not all apply to this degree. I feel like the little engine that could at most moments in my life right now. There has been so much personally going on though that focusing on school has been so difficult for me especially already fighting ADHD and Dyslexia.

I have been running almost every day, well let me say 5 days a week now for about two weeks or so? I am fortunate in that I have always been naturally athletic and had fabulous body memory so I can do a lot even when I have not done much in a while and not get hurt doing it. I am already seeing really positive results and enjoying it a lot. For one, there is the issue I addressed before about body image things. Also though I am discovering my love for running without music. Yes that is right, without the iPod in my ears. This has been a shock to me because I love music, it motivates me, speaks to me, is a big part of my life. Yet I am finding that running without it really gives me time to tune into my body in a way I never have before. I listen to myself breath and can control it better. I don’t get as tired as easily, I enjoy listening to the wind in front of me or behind me as well as the sounds all around me. I love hearing my feet hit the gravel as I run lap after lap. Yes, I am also surprised to find that I am enjoying the track still because it gives me a very tangible way to mark my progress and if I get tired to do sprint work and have a very clear distance marker. I will move away from that and more into running through the great neighborhoods of this part of the city as I get stronger and more confident again. I have never just run as a sport in itself, it was always part of soccer or track or some other sport. I am finding it so liberating, freeing, and refreshing even on the days I don’t want to do it. It has also been a great stress reliever, especially on the days I don’t feel like I have the time to do it.

Again onto a different subject, I am just all over the board today. I am finding that I am experiencing something very similar to early sobriety but with my transition. When you first get into any 12 step program, generally speaking if you really want what it is offering you spend the first 90 days at least completely engrossed in it. You go to 90 meetings in 90 days and hang out primarily with other people from the program. Then as you get more sober and stronger you are able branch out and get your life back and start living a “normal” life. That’s the best I can describe it for people who have never been in a 12 step program. So I feel that is what has happened with my transition. At first I was new to the gender identity question, I was scared, I was confused, alone, etc. All similar things that are similar to the early sobriety experience. However, like early sobriety I am finding that 9 months after I started my transition that I am becoming comfortable with who I am today as a guy and I am branching out. I am not really the guy who wants my entire life to be that I am trans. There is much more to my identity than this. In fact, at this point it is a small part of my identity. Not that I want to deny that is who I am, but more that I want to work on the rest of me and growing the rest of me. Well in that process I am finding that I am branching out and stepping away from everything in my life revolving around the trans community. I am making friends outside the trans community (although I would like to make more). I am not reading every book there is, in fact I have not yet read Chaz Bono’s book. I have it, and intend to read it but there is not that urgency to get that support that many find from it. I am not saying that the guys who are in a different spot are any less than me, or who choose to continue making the trans community or identity their entire life are wrong. I don’t think so, I think it is a personal choise and that there is a need for that in the world. I have just always been an intensely private person and I can see that happening with my transition now. I am far enough into it that I am going back in my shell so to speak.

That is not to say I am not open about it anymore, or that I would not share I am trans. I am still very much open about it, and would gladly share or answer questions if asked. Not sure if any of that makes any sense. In a way I am saying that I am outgrowing some of the trans community and that is not a bad thing. I think it is a sign of growth and strength really that I can stand on my own two feet in the world. That’s not forgetting my friends, or the community or shunning them or anything like that but more just not relying entirely upon that as my sole support and community. Anyway so that has been a bittersweet experience, the same it was in AA. Like a friend said about a different issue but it applies here, that it is a time to rejoice because growth is good. And that is very true, growth is good and positive and healthy. So I am growing, and experiencing growing pains and feel like a 20 year old boy but I am trying to hold on and enjoy the ride.