Boldness

I am noticing that as I become more comfortable with myself I am putting up with a lot less crap that I used to put up with. Case in point; Tuesday evenings there is a group of friends that get together and have dinner before we go to our meeting. There is one person in particular who continues to drive me nearly crazy. Although over the course of two or more years I have learned to deal with her, she is hardly my favorite person. One thing that really has rubbed me the wrong way is that she has always since day one hugged me. For those that know me I am a hugger, if I want to be…however to just hug me is not going to get you on my good list. Well I have never felt like I could say anything to her because I felt that if I said I didn’t want a hug from her than I couldn’t hug anyone else but I did want to hug them. So I put up with it for years, although after my daughter was born made a point to always be holding her so this woman couldn’t hug me. She is an older lady and has not been very great about my relationship with my partner when we were lesbians and now that I have transitioned she has not done good with that either. She calls me by my old name and even uses female pronouns still, tonight even! So anyway I think it is clear how I feel about her. Tonight she walked into the restaurant and hugged the other woman I we were with and then walked over to me to hug me and as she grabbed my arm to hug me I reached out and stopped her and said something like “I am not hugging anymore” and she was just shocked, stood there for a minute holding my arm and then said to me “wow you are really getting strong” as she felt up my arm!!! Anyway but there was no hug and I felt so proud of myself. I didn’t have to work up to it, think about it, feel nervous or anything…it just came out of my mouth without hesitation. I am noticing that more and more, not that I am rude but that I am more blunt and more honest because I just care so much less about what people think. They can think I am an asshole, I don’t really care the way I used to.

On a different note, today I started to feel worried that this new job would find out that I am transgender (well someone will when they do my background check and security clearance). I am worried that then I will suddenly not have a job, because it is an “at will” state, and so while they can’t fire me or take back the offer because I am trans they could for any other reason and they don’t have to tell me. As my partner pointed out it is very scary and hard being trans, the world is not friendly. Thank god we live in this state though because some places are so much worse. I have some friends who think that living what is called “stealth” isn’t right and it is denying who I am. However for me, where I want to go in life and who I want to be I think that I do want to be “stealth” except on a need to know basis. It’s not denying anything so much as being smart about the world we live in. Some people might say that if they act that way I don’t wan to work for them and that is true and yet sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get ahead in the world whether it sucks or not. That’s pretty much all that is going on in my head today…lets hope the fears end up unfounded.