Ramblings of a friday afternoon

I had an interesting experience the other day. I was sitting in not my normal Starbucks because I am finding that I am too easily distracted there because I know so many people. Which if I am just needing a place to journal or chill it is great, but if I actually need to get some work done I find it difficult there. So I have started to go to another one if thats the case. So I was sitting there and in walked a woman, with whom I had been extremely close with when I was part of the church/cult. She had at one time been a mentor and at others a friend but I had known her for many years. She walked in and looked right my direction and never even acted as though she knew me. Which would make sense, after all the last time I saw her I had long hair and was still trying to be feminine. I was not even very out as a lesbian. She was with her daughter, and they got drinks and they sat down right next to me and proceeded to read stories together (the girl is young). I was at first extremely uncomfortable by the whole situation. Then I realized she didn't seem to know who I was, and I know that because she is the type who even though I had my headphones on would have come and said hi if she did. So once I realized that at the most she might just be thinking I looked familiar (after all I am a guy now) I felt a ton more comfortable. Then I felt weird because I knew who she was and yet she didn't know who I was. Then today I walked right past another gal who I had been somewhat close to back in the day and she didn't even flinch which again had she recognized me she would have. So it got me thinking, because I still have a ton of unresolved baggage (which given how much has been resolved is rather amazing really). In hindsight there is a part of me that wanted to say, mostly because she had been such a big part of my life. And in that case at Starbucks I was really the one who walked away from her. Unlike the gal I walked past today who totally walked away from me. So anyway but then again I didn't really want to explain myself...anyway it was an interesting situation. Because it is like I am finally able to walk around this city and run into these people and since they don't know me as a guy and even my face looks different because I had jaw surgery almost 2 years ago a lot of them don't recognize me. Yet I still know who they are. It is just a really weird experience, I can't really explain it any other way really. And I feel like I am wearing a mask or costume or something.

I am often finding myself wanting to interact with women the way that another woman would. Not because I feel like a woman, but because it comes so naturally to me and now that I don't have to worry about presenting as male I can be more comfortable and let some of those walls down a little. So I am really having to watch myself. The same behaviors that another woman could do, as a man if I did it might not go over as well. I was telling my partner, it is so fascinating having the chance to live in both the female and male world even though I am just starting my journey into the male world.

I got a haircut yesterday, shorter than I have ever had it but have always wanted it. I am loving it, I am so happy! I was a little nervous going this short, but my hair has always grown fast and that has not slowed one bit now. I am getting a hair cut far more frequently now and it annoys the heck out of me. But I am so happy to have such short hair I will try not to complain :)