Part 2

Well it has taken me a few days to get back to the rest of the blog. I took a much needed relaxing weekend. Thankfully the weather co-operated as well. Saturday I went to the local spring fair with a buddy of mine and his wife and daughter. I took my little one in the backpack and we had a great time for the afternoon. I loved it, so much more than I would have last year. I know this may seem crazy to people who have never dealt with body dysphoria but the fact I could wear a t-shirt and didn’t have a chest to feel uncomfortable (or ashamed or whatever other unpleasant emotion I might have about my breasts that I no longer have thankfully). I don’t even think I would have worn the backpack if I still had a female chest because I hated it so much and the backpack would only accentuate what I hated. So that was a wonderful experience, but more than that it was being out in the world as a dad with his little girl. I just love it. It is the best thing ever. Maybe that is the part of me that loves being a dad in the sense of parenting, or the part of me that loves being a dad versus a mom I am not sure. Either way though I love it, and she had a great time and loved the pigs the best which was adorable.

So anyway though, I am finding that the emotional piece of transition really is much deeper for me and really is the hard part of this whole thing. I never thought I would say that since my entire life I felt like a guy, and wanted to be one and knew I should have been one. Yet I have found the physical transition to be the easy part. There are many aspects to this, however the one I am noticing right at the moment is how my relationships are changing.

I have always struggled with friendships with women, when I was physically a woman it was because I was not interested in many of the same things women are. When I was still thinking I was a heterosexual woman and part of the church (cult…same thing) it went so far as being attracted to women when I was supposed to be attracted to men (so they say). I tried to make things work but it never did and thus most of my relationships failed because I was unable to be true to myself, let alone them. Even if I had been though I can see they wouldn’t have accepted me but that is beside the point now. So no matter how hard I tried I could not seem to get the square peg (me) into the round hole (the worlds ideas of what a woman is or should be….extending all the way into the queer community and or being a lesbian as well as other women’s ideas about that). Even if I did make friends, genuine friends with someone I was still being fake on some level with them and myself. I was miserable living as a woman, I can see that now and felt it then. I didn’t realize that is what I was feeling but now it is as clear as day to me that was my problem.

Yet here I am, now fully living as man in the world (although still transitioning personally) and I am suddenly missing the side of the world that is the female side. I have a difficult time thinking it might be because I made a wrong decision, because I strongly doubt that. In fact I know that I didn’t. However I am finding myself missing certain things, things that for years I hated. So I have to wonder what it is I am really missing here, or feeling? Clearly I don’t really miss having long hair because I despised it, or shaving my legs, or wearing make up or anything else for that matter. What I think I am discovering is fascinating me.

I am making friends with guys, and it is great and I am happy about it. I have a great group of guy friends and I am hoping that continues to expand. Yet no matter how close guys might be it is not the same as the camaraderie that women tend to have. There is a certain level of emotional connection that woman can have with one another that men don’t seem to have, for whatever the reason. It is as though men are solitary creatures while woman are pack creatures. I realize that might be a little bit of a bad example but it is what comes to my mind. 

As a guy who is extremely in touch with his emotions, very introspective and thoughtful it is hard to not have friends to sit down and have coffee with and talk about deep emotional stuff with now. Yet it feels weird doing so with the female friends I still have. They either don’t understand me now, or it just feels weird for one reason or another. I am really missing it and yet I would never ever go back. So how do I get that need met now? That is the question that is causing me such sadness because I fear there is no way to get it back or if there is that I don’t know how to do so. Maybe sad is the wrong emotion, I am not sure at this moment because it is late and I am struggling to put a word to it in my tired state. I think at least my female readers will understand though.