Part 1

I started to write a blog the other night and was so tired I didn’t even think about first writing it in a word document, so in my tired state I “accidently” erased it, then said a few swear words and went to bed giving up after losing what felt like a lot of hard work. So let me see if I can remember what I wanted to write about.

It has been a very busy week here. Wednesday I had a midterm, which I didn’t study enough for. Of course everyone felt that way but I am pretty sure I could have done better. I guess I will find out exactly what that means this next Wednesday. He also choose to lecture for over 3 hours before giving the midterm so it was after 8pm and I was exhausted when I got to school hours before. Since he chose to lecture for such a long time he was giving super short breaks and that meant over half the class headed to the direction of the bathroom at each break. Which up to this point I had tried to avoid the bathroom if there was other guys in there. This time though there was no hope for that so I just decided it was better to get it over with because the day was bound to come eventually. With 8 other guys in there it was of course not an issue. I guess I feel like I have a big target on me saying that I am trans, when in reality that is not the case and I am the only person who knows that there is anything different. The interesting thing is that the majority of the time I don’t even think about it anymore but something about the bathroom brings that brings that out. I think it is fear, I am honestly not sure but I think the only thing that is going to fix it is time and more experiences where nothing happens. That positive reinforcement I think will help me a lot. I suppose I should give myself a break, after all I have only been living 100% as a guy for 3 months really and maybe even less than that. I have only been on “T” for 3 ½ months now. I just need to remember that and be nice to myself.

I have recently started to look for a job, and thankfully my partner knows enough about man’s fashion that she has been able to help me get a few nice shirts and other just basic things. I had to put my pride aside long enough to realize she could help me, and let her but then it was a great experience. I even like what I bought which given that I hated dressing up as a woman, and I hated all things related to any kind of fashion it is kind of a big deal that I like it and enjoyed the shopping.

There is a guy who I go to school with and he is a really nice guy. We have had a few classes together, and he just started to work for the school so I am forced to interact with him, which makes him the only person I interact with all the time who knew me before at the school (minus the admin) as everyone else I tend to avoid. He has been really great about my transition, and yesterday even sat down with me and we talked about jobs and he gave me a few leads and well as said he would talk to people he knows. So that is hopeful but more than getting a job or not it was a great experience in just being accepted for who I am. He might have opinions about it but he has never let it show if he does. I am really feeling like an alien in a new world, but like my partner said I am lucky because people have always liked me and they always help me. She is right; I need to remember that if I am myself that is a true fact that continues to be proven over and over.

I am still feeling very ambivalent about my degree but I sat down with my school yesterday and so even though I knew I would be done at the end of this year (unless I take a break which I may day) seeing that I really only have a few classes left was good. It gave me that little bit of motivation I need to keep going at least for now.

I was able to work out for the first time today since my surgery! Oh it felt great. Of course it has been almost 7 weeks since I could do anything and even longer than that since I have really done a good workout because I had such body dysphoria that I would work out but only half ass…just enough not to fall completely off the wagon. So really it has been a long time. I am REALLY excited to get back to running, so I need to go get some new running shoes soon so I can hit the pavement again. It is warming up enough and there have been enough sunny days that it has been tough not being able to get out there, although I doubt I will be able to run very far at all. For some reason as a guy, being more comfortable in my body I don’t care the way I did as a woman. There isn’t that feeling of caring what people think and if I have to walk or something I just don’t’ care. I think that really goes to show how bad it was before, because I love being fit and athletic. So to give that up because of my dysphoria really shows how bad it was. Seeing that it was so much worse than I even realized is good, because it continues to cement that transitioning really was crucial to me.

There is a lot more I want to write about but I think that it will have to wait for tomorrow….so stay tuned