Revelations

I don't even know what to start with. There is a lot I want to say, and yet so much I feel maybe I shouldn't say. First of all, I feel that maybe I gave the wrong impression with a recent post. I am 110% committed to my partner. She is an amazing partner, friend, mother, life mate and so much more. I love her more than anyone in the world, except maybe our child although I think that is just a different kind of love. I freely admit that I have been looking a lot more at the "other fish in the sea", or rather looking in a way I never had before. Either way though I just want to make clear that for the most part I am very happy and not interested in leaving our relationship. I have been looking, a lot in fact and again I don't hide that well. Yet that is where it ends, and I am so happy and grateful I get to go home to such a great woman each night. I can't explain why I suddenly have started to look more. Some people might say it is the testosterone, some people might say other things. The reality is that no one other than myself will ever know the real reason and at this point I don't even know. So people may speculate, give their opinions or thoughts based upon their own experiences and yet at the end of the day no one really can make that assertion other than me. So I will ask you please refrain from sharing those opinions on this situation with me or my partner unless asked (if you happen to know her). Now that I have hopefully made that whole thing more clear I have other thoughts to share.

I took my fabulous partner out to dinner tonight, and sadly it wasn't all I had hoped for, for multiple reasons.  Two of which sat down at tables right by us. At one table was a family I had known and been somewhat close to in the old cult church I was a part of. The other family that happened to sit down pretty much at the table on the other side of us happened to be a guy who was is in the squadron I am leaving. I knew him, his wife and kids fairly well. So needless to say dinner was rushed and awkward because I was feeling incredibly uncomfortable. It was a bummer too cause we love the place. So I thought I was doing a pretty good job of presenting again today, feeling confident and comfortable (for the most part) with myself. The waitress took our drink orders but when she came back to take our dinner orders she said "ladies" to us. It was great my partner saw it happen because I felt like she finally got glimpse of what I deal with all the time. It was so deflating, like really?? Even my partner looked at me and said to me "really?". She was a younger waitress so we talked over dinner and I decided that when she came to collect my bill I was just going to ask her what prompted her to say that to us. When I asked she was so nice about it, and asked if I had started hormones (which means she knows what being trans is and that is SO nice to not explain) and she said she was sorry she had mistaken me. Of course I said I appreciated that but it was okay and she looked at me and said the only thing she could possibly think of would have been when I gave my order my voice gave me away otherwise she would have thought that I was a guy. She just said she really couldn't see what else would have given me away. Then she proceeded to encourage me that she had heard the hormones help with that rather quickly and I shouldn't worry cause hopefully soon enough that wouldn't be an issue. Anyway she was so very nice about the whole thing I was rather shocked and so I left a bigger tip. What it did though was confirm what happened at the post office recently and what I have long suspected...that my voice is a large reason I often don't present as male or what gives me away. It was good to know, because it was a confidence boost in some ways. Like I am doing some things "right" but that my voice I just can't really control too much at this point but it will change and hopefully soon. That just walking down the street or into the store people do see me as male. What a wonderful revelation to have tonight.

I have made a fair amount of new friends, or I am really working on it and it just happening to some degree. I have a new friend however, that I really feel the universe has brought me and I didn't really know why until a couple days ago when I got a glimpse of it. I am sure there are plenty more reasons why and I am looking forward to what the future holds for this friendship. The reason I say I don't know why is because I feel as though it is a rather unlikely friendship and one I never would have imagined. So this is a person who has been an acquaintance for some time, but just recently have we started to hang out and get to know each other. Recently we were talking about something and they told me that they see me as Jackson, the cool guy that they hope they are friends with for a long time. Not Jackson the transman, not Jackson the former lesbian or anything....they just see me as Jackson. That to them I am a guy. To them thats all I am, not any label or anything other than that. Anyway I realized in that moment that this might really be my first "post" transition friendship. Of course I am not post transition, I am just starting it however to them I am. That is such an awesome feeling, to be accepted so freely for who I am even in what I feel is this incomplete stage of my life. Of course all my friends I still have accept me, I am not saying they don't. However this is a friendship based solely on the desire to be friends. It is a new friendship, not based upon both of us transitioning, or whatever else brought us together. We simply met, have gotten to know each other and chosen to have a friendship. I am learning from this person that who I am today is okay, and all the issues I have at this moment are okay. It is okay to be outside of the box, which is a totally new concept for me. Being me is good, it is who I am and that I don't have to be anything other than that. People will either accept it or they won't, but it isn't my job to get them to do that. Now of course within my partnership I have those same feelings and my partner teaches me those things and shows those things to me, but outside of our relationship I really don't always feel that way. It is very different than any friendship I have at the moment and I can see already the impact it is having on my life and I am grateful for that. I don't know if I am explaining it clearly or not but anyway that is the best I can without sharing more details about who this person is which I don't feel is important. However, you know who you are and I am grateful the universe brought you into my life at this point. The universe must have known I would need a friend to teach me those lessons.

So life has been tough this week, but it has been good too. A lot of growth in many different ways and not all of it fun. Tomorrow morning I take my 2nd shot, and although not excited for the actual sticking part I am thrilled to get even that much farther down this path.