Name Change

Ugh...I am glad I didn't go get my name legally changed today, because I found out that I can't until March 14th. Turns out that paperwork I thought was gonna be signed any day by the military actually got kicked back about 6 weeks ago, but no one other than my admin lady knows it and she didn't find out until yesterday. So basically I have fallen into the cracks and since I was fortunate to have reenlisted in a reserve unit no one has noticed that it happened. So the admin gal, who has been super helpful just told me to stay on the down low, she would keep it on the down low and that basically just wait until my drop dead date of March 14th at this point to be done. Won't have to go back in there (unless by some small chance they suddenly remember I am still technically on the books) and so that just throws me into this whole emotional thing. I thought I was all but done, waiting on a signature. Turns out this is not the case really....that I could be called and forced to go into drill weekend in February if they remembered and felt like making me. Or if they felt like it they could call me and make me come in tomorrow and I would have to do it. I doubt they will, highly doubt they will at this point as I have not been in since August in any official capacity. However the lingering fear is back. The issues I have surrounding the lack of closure are back. It feels like every issue I had is back with a vengeance, and just when I felt like I was starting to get a handle on it. Just when I was starting to deal with it, to move on enough that it didn't haunt me every day. I am also freaked out because now I am on "T" and although changes aren't likely to be too noticeable I will have been on "T" for 2 1/2 months when my drop dead date occurs. I will have had surgery BEFORE that date happens...although not too long before thankfully. Combine this all with the fact I didn't get much sleep last night, so I am exhausted and still fighting this cold and now have my first night of class tonight and have tons of homework which equals tons of stress....I think I just want to go back to bed.

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So the rest of my day went better in some ways and worse in others. To start with today was generally a good day in terms of presenting as a guy which of course made me very happy. I went to the post office and the guy at the counter said to me "can I help you sir" and I was thrilled of course until I said something to him at which point he said "oh sorry ma'am" and both guys on either side of me looked at me. I considered correcting him, but instead he told me that I couldn't even send my package there and I just walked out. So two things occurred, one I was not even slightly embarrassed when he apologized and called me ma'am although a little annoyed. And secondly that confirms what I have thought...that I often present as male until I speak. Which is kinda a bummer cause I can't go around being silent all the time. So then I went to the store and the clerk called me sir and never back tracked or anything which tells me she saw me as a dude. Now unfortunately I probably seemed unfriendly because I didn't really talk at all to her. Which I find a bummer cause she is very nice and I do enjoy chatting and asking how their day is or whatever. But clearly if I want to present as male I will be unable to do that at this point. Either way it was a big boost in self esteem for me.

Then I went off to school, feeling like crap because this cold just won't be beat no matter what I do. So I was feeling exhausted, sick and anxious about my first night at school as Jackson. So I got there and the first person I saw was someone I had taken a class with before and so that made me anxious. So I called my partner for a little pep talk about it and as I was standing outside I saw three more people walk by who I knew...and although this is a small school there have been times where I have taken classes and not known a single person in there. Even though I didn't know for sure they were in my class, the odds were good. So I went in and talked to the front desk lady who is super nice and probably close to my age. She knew about my name change but we had never specifically talked about my transition. So I was talking to her and she could tell I was feeling anxious and so she was telling me it would be okay and just being super reassuring. So I go to walk down the hall and can see in the classroom and see a guy sitting in the front who I was in the service with (different unit, same time though) and had taken many many classes with. Probably the guy I knew best, and I pretty much had a major freak out. I was still dressed as I had been all day so I knew I was presenting as male, and I still had the bathroom deal to work through and so I went back and told the front desk gal I needed to talk to her. So we talked in private, she told me there were 16 other students in the class and we talked through my fears a little. She listened while I talked, and was very supportive not downplaying anything (even though I know and admitted that my fears may very well be unfounded). So we sat back there and really had a very intimate conversation given the fact I really don't know her too well and had never had an actual conversation about this topic with her. The school director had talked to her about it though so she did know before hand. And when I was a living as a lesbian under DADT she was always so supportive and encouraging, as well as would often tell me she was sorry I had to deal with that policy and it was crap etc. So she has always been supper supportive of my partner, wanting to see baby pictures etc. Tonight was no exception, she was supper supportive and encouraging. She really did make me feel so much better, it was amazing.

So we went out and sat and looked through the other classes that were available to me, and found one on a different night with fewer students. Actually it is more in the afternoon so I really won't see anyone other than who I am in class with. And the class has only 5 students. She showed me the roster so I could see if I knew anyone, which she wasn't supposed to do but she just kept saying that we would work something out so I felt as comfortable as possible in this time, although to some degree it was going to be hard. But that we would work together to lessen that as much as possible. I really felt like the universe was taking care of me on so many levels. Because then not only am I now in a different class, with people I don't know...but I got to come home early and rest my sick body. Not only that but I felt completely supported by her and the administration at school, so that even if I had a problem they would have my back. It really reminds me of the situation at my favorite Starbucks and how the manager there has my back. Just knowing that she has made it a point to make sure her staff is respectful of me in this time means a lot and goes a long way in making me feel safer being myself. Same goes for school. It is still uncomfortable and scary but a little less now. In some ways I feel like a little kid who knows they have a big brother or sister watching out for them. I feel very vulnerable in both situations because I spend a lot of time at both places (starbucks and school) so their support goes so far. The fact I couldn't face it tonight did feel like a failure to me, but I have to remember that just showing up was a big deal.

On the way out, since everyone was in class by that time I took the opportunity to check out the men's bathroom...and although I was alone in there I discovered it looked exactly like the women's bathroom. There were a long line of stalls and no urinals. I think I can handle this. So that was a huge win for me. My second time ever using a mens room...and just seeing it, getting a lay of the land was super helpful and made me less nervous for next week at school. Also made me feel better about trying to use the mens room more in public places. Anyway though...I guess I just have to take the small wins as they come, and everything else as a learning lesson about my strengths and weaknesses and remember weakness is okay (which is very difficult for me to do).