School

My chest binder. I have a love/hate relationship with it. On one hand it is rather uncomfortable, hot and bothersome to deal with. I hate having to deal with putting it on in the mornings, the way it hurts my back and makes it uncomfortable to sit. And yet for all the discomfort, annoyance and everything else negative it brings to my life I have come to really love it. I have come to love it because of what it does for me. I have discovered a more uncomfortable, yet more effective way to wear it and I have since started to wear it every day and have become much happier with what it does for me. Thankfully just a little over 6 weeks from now I won't have to deal with it anymore and I am sure that time will fly by or I hope it will at least.

So tomorrow is my first night going to school as Jackson. It is both scary and exciting. I am not exactly sure what I am scared about other than using the men's bathroom, which for anyone who has read any recent postings you would know that I have not done so yet...not even once. So I am rather freaked out about it, although have been told that it is not too bad if I just follow the recommendations such as just get in and get out and don't talk or look at anyone. So I feel good about being able to do that. Since at this point in time I have not used an STP (stand to pee device) and financially am a long way from even considering what is called bottom surgery I am at this point restricted to using stalls. Which in all honesty is probably best for the time being because I would hate to use a urinal and drop the STP or something. While many transmen don't use an STP I am thinking that I would like to undertake the task of  learning as I feel it can only help me. Not to mention when I go hiking for instance it would be really awesome to be able to pee standing up rather than squatting. It would also help me if I were to ever walk into a bathroom where there were not stalls, the stalls had no doors or they were all full I would have options. And just because I know how or have one doesn't mean I always have to use it. 

As far as school is concerned, going back to that subject...I am worried about what is going to happen when the teacher calls roll because they always do the first night. He is going to call out my name as Jackson and when I answer I worry what the class will think, will I be presenting as male? Will they look at me and see a female? Will they laugh, make comments, be rude etc? Will the teacher? I suppose I won't know till I know but I would kind of rather not know to be honest. I wish there were a way to avoid this situation and yet there isn't. I can't go by my old name there anymore and pretend to be who I am not, and yet being my true self is scary as hell. This is a huge step for me in my transition, the most public I have made it yet. And yet another nail in the coffin of never returning to the military. I am sure there will be another post after tomorrow night is said and done, and I am sure it won't be nearly as bad as I fear but I suppose I need to experience that to see for myself rather than just hear what other say to me about it. 

So I feel like since taking my first shot a week and a half ago I have suddenly been awoken to this whole new world of women. In the past I have not really noticed too many women unless I was pretty sure they were queer. However, it seems in recent days I have come to notice all women, regardless of if they are straight, gay, have a wedding ring on, tall, short or whatever. Some of my female friends I am finding are very good looking as well, which is challenging because I don't want to be thinking about my friends as hot all the time. That is not to say I want to hop into bed with them, but in the past these are people I never would have thought that way about and suddenly I feel as though I struggle not to stare as though I have never seen a woman before. The hard part is that I am also struggling with looking at guys, what one friend called penis envy. I am staring because I want to see how they act, what they wear, what they have that I either want or don't want. It feels to some degree I can't help that either. Of course in both instances I do my very best to not stare but I want to, and that feeling is sometimes overwhelming. I feel like an alien on another planet for the first time. 

I have also had an interesting realization and therefore am going to discontinue the use of the word "passing" when referring to myself in public. I think that the word presenting does a better job of what I want to do. I never liked the word or term "passing" because it reinforced my old ideas of being someone I am not. However, presenting works much more for me and is much more respectful I feel of who I am and what I am going through. I am working on presenting myself as male, and one key thing I am learning is that regardless of what I wear, how I sound, how short my hair is or isn't etc if I am not confident that people will read me as female. Something about the confidence can really make a difference for me for some reason. Which would explain why for years prior to coming to the conclusion I had to transition I was always being "mistaken" for a guy when just being myself. Because I was just being myself...I was confident and comfortable (for the most part) and so people read that in me. I find that interesting now...but that is for a different post when I have more time. So that is something I am working on, which goes right with what I was writing about in my last blog about not caring what others think. I have spent so much of my life worrying about that, that it is hard to shed that burden now but I am glad to recognize it and work on getting rid of it finally. And with that  there will be more to come tomorrow....