6 1/2 weeks until my surgery, and today I got an email saying that something had happened to the apartment I had rented and they would refund my money but that it was no longer available. Of course I hope that whatever the emergency is that it is okay and at the same time I am sitting here thinking this really sucks. Besides adding stress to my life when I don't need any added stress, finding a place at this point is going to be challenging as it was hard two weeks ago and it seemed like every day that went by there were less choices. Seeing as how I wanted to keep it under a certain amount I am worried that now I am going to be forced to pay more than I want or stay in a hotel which is not our preferred option with a baby. So this just kind of sucks. I sent out some requests and might not hear back for another day or two. In the meantime I am going to try not to worry about it.

On a different note, the last few days I have been feeling very confident in who I am. I am realizing just how much I have cared what people think of me, and I am trying to bust through some of that. It is hard though, but I think that is what has held me back in a lot of ways of just being myself and in essence passing. I am so worried about what people will say if for instance I go to the store wearing my hat backwards. I wear it backwards at home all the time, but would always turn it forward when I go out because what will people think? Then yesterday I went to target and made myself leave it the way I had been wearing it all day. Small thing to most people, but to me who has such big issues about what people think it is a big deal. The world didn't end, no one did anything or said anything to me about it. Didn't even get any bad looks. Now, no one called me sir but no one called me ma'am or mom or anything like that either. So at the very least I can be happy with the androgynous look if that is the best I can get right now. And I am learning to just be happy with that rather than upset about what is not happy I am learning to be happy with what is happening.

I am noticing a small improvement on my sex drive already and defiantly a shift in how I think. How much of that is related to the "T" and how much is related to just my own mental and psychological transition who knows but I am noticing the change regardless. Anyway so that is a change I am seeing, which is great because it makes me feel like this train really is moving forward.