The Gym

Well, as usual I have a lot that is on my mind. So first I will start with a couple of updates. My surgery is still on, although a few of the details are up in the air. I am struggling to find peace with that, as I fear what is going to happen or not happen. I need to just let that go, as so far things have continued to work out. Today I had my therapist appointment up north and had some time between that appointment and meeting with a friend for lunch. I needed some things at Target and also had to go to the bathroom so I decided since I was going to have to go someplace that Target seemed safe enough. I walked into the store and scoped it out and saw that it was relatively quiet for 11am on a thursday. So I headed to the bathroom, and made myself go into the men's room. Now on the way to the store from my therapist, who is only a few blocks away I told myself over and over in my head that I was going to use the men's room and how I was going to walk in and not look at anyone and do what I needed and get out. No hand washing today (yea I know gross, but self preservation was kicking in here) just hurry up and get out. So I walked in and of course there was what felt like longest hallway on earth to walk down to get to the actual bathroom part. First thing I saw was three urinals and my heart skipped a beat and then I turned the corner and there were two stalls. One of which was occupied so I hurriedly decided to stay and go and while I was in there someone came in and used the urinal that appeared to be closest to my stall. Of course I don't know that for sure but it felt that way. So I just stayed in the stall for what felt like an eternity but really was probably no more than 2 or 3 minutes, both of the other guys hurried and didn't wash either so I followed suit after they left. So that was my first real in public, outside the safety of school bathroom experience. Scary as hell, but I managed to come out just fine and it built my confidence that much more. I just had to text someone and tell, because I was so proud of myself so I texted both my partner and a couple friends because I just had to share this giant milestone for me. I feel good that I could do it again and it would be that much less freaky. 


So now onto the topic on my mind at the moment. Going to the gym. A struggle for many transgender people. It is something that I took for granted for a long time and never even considered as a privilege before now. So I had a gym membership when our daughter was born and for time and exhaustion reasons never made it so I put the membership on hold for three months. Then last month that hold expired and I decided to keep it anyway. Well in between the daughter being born and now I have been transitioning. So the gym has become  a problem for me. I live as a man, however have the body of a woman still unfortunately. So to go to they gym would be very difficult for me. I can't go run and wear my binder, so I have to go as the female I was born as. Clearly I am not okay with that or I wouldn't be transitioning and living as Jackson at this point in time. I don't shave so that might draw attention to myself. I don't feel I would be comfortable using a locker room which means no bathroom if I need it. And then swimming....well that is the mother of all problems right there and the exact problem that brought this all up tonight. 


My partner has wanted for some time to take our daughter to baby swim lessons and finally tonight was the night. We both went but I was just going to watch from the side. So to start with when we got there I immediately saw a couple I used to be close to from the cult church I was part of. Thankfully they didn't see me, but that is just one reason I hate that gym. Anyway though more later on that part of the problem. So we go into the pool and I am watching them swim, which by the way happens to be the cutest thing ever! A whole bunch of babies and their parents in the pool. Anyway so the good part about it was that as I stood there two men walked by and acknowledged me which made me feel great. However, I quickly got sad because I realized that even if I wanted to I couldn't go in the pool with my sweet little girl. I suppose I could if I wanted to wear a woman's bathing suit but there is no way in hell that is going to happen. So basically I can go if I go as a woman or not go at all. The funny part about the whole situation was that I was going to cancel my membership tonight and now I am contemplating whether I really want to or not. I think the major reason I would keep it is so that I can go watch her whenever I want because although not the same still so cute. However, the pool was rather excruciatingly hot with my binder and layers on that I need to wear to present as male. So that was another aspect of the problem, although thankfully not too much longer. So do I want to pay $37 a month for a few months so that I might be able to watch her swim? I don't know the answer to that question. 


I feel sad about the fact that even if I wanted to I will never get to take her to baby swim lessons. My partner said I will get to take her to toddler swim class, but I am not sure it is really the same. I wish I was transitioned NOW because then I could go with her. Okay, rather I wish these damn breasts were gone now because then I could go. By the time that I will be able to go to baby swim class she won't be baby anymore :( so I am feeling totally bummed out. It is hard because it is another thing that almost everyone else takes for granted and they can either do or not do according to their will. This for me though is just something I don't get as a result of being transgender. 


The other half of this problem as I see it is that there are massive amounts of people from the cult I was part of who use this gym. We use it because it is literally just minutes from our house and rather family friendly. However, given the baggage I still have with those people running into them almost every time I am there makes it unpleasant enough to drive elsewhere. I am hoping with my transition moving forward as it is that in time, very short time hopefully I could run into them and they wouldn't have a clue who I was. Or at the very least maybe recognize me but be unable to place me maybe. So long term I don't really want to keep this gym as seeing these people brings up all kinds of old issues for me. Yet I like the idea of going as a family to swim class or whatever else we take her to. Yet I thought dealing with those people was hard as a lesbian, I can only imagine now how that will go. 


There are so many things I have taken for granted in my life until three years ago. I know I wrote about that in a post a month or two back. How as a straight white middle class military member my life was good. I never thought about discrimination, the rights I had that others didn't etc. Then I came out as a lesbian and I discovered discrimination at the worst...the country I served telling me I could die for it but in return would be treated as a second class citizen. Now I realize that I was never a lesbian but always transgender and that lowers me even farther down on that social scale according to much of society still. It also adds, at least currently a whole new set of hardships to deal with and work through. I realize for some who are transgender the issues they have are not nearly as deep as they are for me. For a girl who came from an all american, apple pie family to where I am today has been extremely difficult and times like tonight at the gym remind me how I am no longer in that group of people that I always loved, and wanted to be a part of. That thing that I held so dear and now realize is so flawed. That one thing so many of my friends take for granted every day.