And life continues

Well, I don't really feel any different at all two days after my first shot. I suppose that is normal and I am okay with that. I didn't expect instant results although I sure would love them. My confidence, in general is already being effected which is cool.

So I went to REI for something on friday evening and my name on my old REI card was my female name because I have been a member for probably close to a decade. So I asked if I could change the name on there, and she said that I couldn't change it because they have a policy against it and I just had to buy a new membership. So what about lifetime membership does that mean for me? I have had it for close to ten years, and I paid about half what I had to pay to get a new one. Of course a new one was only $20 but it was much more about the principle than the money. I was bothered by that. The first time my transition has cost me money in that way. I think I am going to write a letter to management or whoever, although I don't necessarily expect a response or anything but more for my own satisfaction. It just seems wrong, what if I wasn't transgender but was 18 an just hated my name? Anyway so that kind of bugged me, even though I was rather quick to throw my card down and get a new membership doesn't make it right.

Having a problem with someone in my life who literally doesn't respect my transition. Calls me Jackson but then never makes any attempt to use male pronouns or address me correctly and often does it in public. After the last situation we were in my partner suggested that this person was toxic to me and that I need to limit my time with them if I have any at all. It is hard cause it is someone who I was kind of close to and who has on many occasions stated their support for me and the transgender community and yet it is rather blatant disrespect. So I really don't know how to handle it. When we are in big group settings, which I often am with this person it really erodes my confidence and really doesn't make me feel good so I know I shouldn't spend time around them. Question is though do I say anything to them or do I let it go and just stop spending time with them? I am kind of thinking I need some space before doing talking to them if I choose to. I just know that I never leave those situations feeling good about myself and they are kind of in an authority position in my life (or they feel like they are whether they are or not) and so I am intimidated by them. It makes it rather challenging.

I am getting really REALLY excited for my top surgery now that it is 2011. It is hard for my partner and I am trying to be sensitive to though fact. The reality that I am transitioning has been hard on her. It makes me sad to see her struggling with it, but of course it is her process just like this is my process. I just wish it didn't have to be painful or hard for her too. I feel very lucky to have such an amazing partner and I really believe we will be able to stay together through this it is just going to be hard. Especially as I am transitioning I am going through adolescence again and so I am wanting to do things or have those experiences that I never had before. She is afraid I will leave her to sow my wild oats as she calls it. I don't think I will but time will tell I suppose. So while I am rejoicing over moving forward she is feeling bittersweet and I am trying to remember this and be sensitive.

I am really excited to change my name but I have to wait until that last paper from the military is signed so that it doesn't cause a huge problem. Since I am using VA benefits right now as soon as I change it the VA will need to know and if I am still technically on the books at my old unit I fear what may happen. Then again, the VA and the military system of information is rather poor and whether they have their information together enough to inform the other of the change is anyone's guess. So really I might be able to get away with it. The admin gal who I know there who knows I want to change my name but doesn't know why seems to think it is okay. Still pondering it...but I am really excited to get that done. It is going to feel like a huge weight off me.

And now just 12 more days until my next shot...can't even believe I am looking forward to getting poked again but I am. Bring it on!