Got a lot on my mind this morning. To start with just 8 weeks until my top surgery, and after this morning I am so ready for it! Getting dressed has become a chore. First of all, if I want to bind then that is a huge pain in the butt and if I don't, say I am just hanging out at the house then getting dressed isn't too bad. Yet there isn't a day anymore that I don't feel like I can not bind if I am going in public, if for no other reason than my own self. So most days getting dressed is a pain.  It requires two sports bra's and the binder followed by a t-shirt and then whatever I want to wear, which usually still is two more layers in order to get the look/feel I want. On many mornings I end up trying many different out fits which for me is a big deal. I much prefer throwing on a t-shirt and heading out. Point being, I am really ready for these things to be gone. The moments I feel sad about the few things I might miss are generally overshadowed by the annoyance they cause. Not to mention I am trying a new way of binding and it leaves me feeling sore and uncomfortable but it really makes a huge difference, I have a much flatter chest which is what I am going for and want (obviously cause I am getting them cut off). I know I am not the only or first who has endured discomfort to get the chest they want and thankfully I know it is very temporary so I am trying to deal with it. It was just getting on my nerves this morning trying to find something clean to wear that would look the way I wanted. 


The time has come where I am actually going to be making some changes that I have been not looking forward to. Although I have never felt like "one of the girls" or like I fit in with other women (now I know why) I have always hung out with them. So I have gotten used to interacting with them, socializing as a woman would. For example there is a group of friends who has dinner once a week. Although men are invited most of the time it is just woman who come. I have gotten close to them over the last three years. They are all straight, minus my partner. As long as I go they struggle to transition with me although most of them try. I look the same, sound the same, other than my name at this point to them nothing has changed much. Well I just realized that I really need to spend less time with them. Not to say I can't ever see them but just that that is one thing I did as a woman. I am not one of the girls anymore. It is time to make that distinction and that is hard for two reasons. First of all, I have been going to this for three years and love them. Secondly though is that I am separating myself and don't have as much to replace it with in terms of socially and friendship wise. I am also noticing or realizing, through talking to some people who are much farther along in life than me that those "girls only" situations where they are all straight really aren't appropriate for me anymore. My queer friends who are woman are different, but straight woman who are married...anyway I don't know if that makes any sense but it makes sense in my sleep deprived mind. The funny part is that more queer woman are coming into my life to be friends with, where as before I have never had them as friends. So I do feel like the universe is helping me out a little but I still need more guy friends and I am working on it and trying but it is very difficult. I don't know how to make guy friends. I don't know how they interact. For instance there is totally this really cool guy who I see all the time and works at a store I often go to. He has initiated getting to know me, asking me about my transition because his cousin is transgender and he asks about my baby because he has one (among other things) and he is just super nice and always very friendly. How do I translate that into something other than chatting there? Or do I ? Do men have friends? What do they do, play sports? This is all very uncharted territory for me and the road map kinda sucks. In fact, I feel like I don't even have a road map really. I have some transgender friends who have gone before me but they too are charting their own new territory. 


Well I have more but that is all this exhausted mind can process right now. Sometimes I wish this transition was over, and I can just arrive...even though I know there is no real "arriving" in life it sounds so nice.