I just confirmed our apartment in San Francisco for my surgery, so as long as this one doesn't cancel we are good to go. I am excited and feeling like it is surreal. I can't believe it is happening, and it is going to be here so soon! I think that is going to help me so much, because ever since I first got my boobs at whatever age that was I have hated them. I have wanted them gone, I have wished I didn't have them and done everything I could to hide them. Of course the entire time not even realizing that what I was going through was not normal. So anyway, the fact that some 12 or 13 years later I am finally getting rid of them is an occasion that has brought such excitement to my life. At the same time that I am thrilled, I have gotten used to them and come to accept them as a part of me to some degree although they don't represent who I feel I am or identify as. It feels surreal because to some degree my entire transition feels that way. I have only taken one shot so far, although my second one is coming up on Saturday (YAY!) and so I have really not seem many changes. Maybe a little on the emotional side and a couple other small areas but nothing big and nothing that has solidified this process as real and happening.

One thing that I am noticing that has started to happen is that I am feeling much more connected to my body than I ever have before. So much of my life I felt I spent outside my body, almost like I was looking down on myself. It is hard to explain but I never felt connected really. There was never a real awareness between my mind and body. I thought I was going crazy, but now I know that wasn't the case at all thank goodness. I know that because in the last two weeks for the first time in as long as I can remember I feel present and aware in a way I never have before. It is actually really amazing to know what that feels like, to have my mind and body be one. It is cool because I am only on the start of this journey, and yet I am already feeling that way many days.

I hate coming out to people, it is so difficult and I don't even feel like I can have a specific way to do it because everyone is different. Today I came out to someone who didn't have a clue what being transgender meant or anything. Sometimes they have no clue and I have to really explain things to them and other times they know all about it or know someone who is transgender so it is not even a big deal and they are just accepting. So it is very challenging to come out to people cause I never know how it is going to go. Then some people have tons of questions and ask them, others don't or don't know how to ask... each situation just has such a wide range for how it might go that it is very difficult to deal with. So today I felt as though I had to come out to someone, although in reality I probably could have gotten away with not doing it. I did it to ease somethings on my own mind, and it was really awkward feeling when I did it. Needless to say I actually am not sure now if I made the right choice or not. In some cases though I have to because how am I going to hide something like this? I can't really. So I had the realization that in some ways just being gay was easier because I really could tell who I wanted to or not where as everyone in my life at this point if I want them to stay in my life for any amount of time I have to tell.

Someday I hope this all gets easier, because the amount of strength, courage and just resolve to be true to myself is really wearing. So many days I think just conforming would be so much easier.