Dreams

Dreams are a powerful thing in my life. I have a lot of them, and most of them I remember at least parts of. Often over the years though I have found that the dreams I have are disturbing and don't bring me any kind of good feelings when I wake up. So I often wish I could not remember them, or that they would simply vanish into my subconscious awareness, or where ever it is that they go when we can not remember them.

This weekend my partner and I went to the ocean. A friend of ours was so nice as to let us use their condo out there and we were able to get away and rest. That is a rare thing for us between the baby, my school and all the other responsibilities we have had going on. It was nice to slow down and to think. Although I admit we did a puzzle, watched a few movies and played some games as well as took walks on the beach the days it was nice and slept a lot. So I did not actually do much in the way of thinking, which may have been good to stop thinking so much.

I had a dream the first night, and the details were a bit odd and those in and of themselves make little sense. However, I did take notice that through out the dream I there was a lot of fear. I have learned to look for the underlying, and sometimes very obvious feelings that are at the center of these dreams. Sometimes they are harder to find than others. So needless to say it was not hard for me to figure out that there was a massive amount of fear in the dream, even though if I shared the details one might think it was just really random with no real meaning. I think that there was deep meaning.

I started what is going to be one of my last menstrual cycles this weekend, which paves the way for harvesting my eggs and then to follow quickly the start of my hormone treatment for my transition to being male. This is both exciting and scaring. I didn't realize how scary until this weekend. The reality of the permanence of this decision suddenly hit me unlike any way before. The reality of what is going to change hit me as a reality, not just a dream that I have always had. I am going to have that dream soon, but after 27 years of dreaming for it it can be hard to really grasp that it is going to become a reality. Not sure if that makes sense. So when that reality hit me this weekend, it was heavy. It was scary. I have always wanted this but don't know what it is going to be like. All I really know is being a woman, even though I am not one.

For instance, I needed a dress shirt for an event and I didn't have a clue how to buy the right size. Men's sizes are so different than women's. I ended up guessing and guessed correctly thank heavens. At least it is correct because I will have my binder on, next year it may or may not fit who knows. However, I didn't buy it knowing how to size a shirt, I had to come home and google it. Had I gone to the store with the intent to buy it I would have googled it prior to leaving. The point is though that it was scary, because I didn't have a clue what I was doing. It was like walking in the dark before your eyes adjust.

On the other hand I am very excited to start hormones, and to work out and finally in my life see the results I want. I have always been very athletic but the farther into adulthood I have gone the more it has become very difficult to want to stay in the peak shape I was for so many years. I couldn't figure it out for the longest time, because I do love to play sports and go to the gym and be active but I couldn't motivate myself to get back in shape or go running or do those things. Recently I realized it is because no matter how hard I worked I would never get that body I wanted, because I didn't want that really in shape female body. I wanted the male body, in shape or not...I wanted that chest, those straight legs without the hips (thankfully I am narrow at the hips and the curves I have now are almost entirely due to the twenty pounds gained since being in this relationship...those domesticated pounds husbands gain) and those arms.

So I am very excited, although I am scared too. I am scared because of the changes it is going to bring to my life. Who else that doesn't know is going to stay? Or leave? I don't know. How I interact with people will change and evolve. So many things are already changing, and I don't like change because I am a very black and white person.

So I don't want people to think I am merely having buyers remorse or anything like that. I am surely not, but I am having buyers fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what is next. Fear of what will change. So many fears. Just like with the baby I kinda wish there was some kind of hand out, booklet thing that would tell me what to expect next or how to do things. Anyway...the countdown begins now. Four months until surgery and less than four weeks until hormones! Yikes :)