112 Days

I woke up this morning, did my usual thing including showered and shaved my face. Not there really is much of anything to shave except on and under my chin. Doing it every couple days is good habit for me and really helps me embrace me as Jonathan. So I decided that I was not going to bind first thing this morning because I was only going to Starbucks but that later when we went out more I would. It is rather uncomfortable and so I generally try to limit it to when I am going out. So I went to Starbucks and it was packed busy and one of the barista's called out "here is your drink Jonathan" when my drink was up. There was at least ten other people all standing there, and I wasn't binding which makes it pretty much obvious that I am female. So she smiled at me and I just grabbed my drink and got the heck out of there. It was a really uncomfortable situation for me. And yet I asked them to call me Jonathan. When I was in line the other barista, really cool guy, he said to me "hey Jon what are you having today" and no one else around me noticed that and it was much more comfortable. So anyway that is a conflict I face all the time. 


I think part of that conflict is caring about what people think. There is also legitimate fear because transgender people are the victims of hate crimes more than all other peoples combined each year. I don't remember what website that statistic is on but it is a reliable site, maybe a government site or something? Anyway...it is a well known fact that there are many "straight" men who have major issues with a "butch" woman. They feel very threatened and so even just as a lesbian I was very uncomfortable at times. Especially being around a lot of conservative men. So I am probably a little more paranoid than the average person, maybe not though. So anyway that experience at Starbucks showed me that if I am going out in public I need to be doing everything I can to pass, especially if I am going to be living as Jonathan now full time which I am. It is just hard because it is so uncomfortable to bind, although I am getting more used to it. Really what it comes down to is that I can not wait until my breasts are gone! Just 112 days until that is a reality, and that seems like a lifetime sometimes. 


It also made me briefly wonder if I am making the wrong choice about going through the IVF egg harvesting again or not. It really made me feel as though I NEED to be on hormones soon. I just need to remind myself that six weeks is not long and it will go by fast even if it doesn't seem to look like it will. 


I am finding it interesting to see who responds to this transition in not really a negative way but in a more skeptical way. It seems to be my gay friends. I don't really understand that? They are really the only ones who have asked me why I can't be happy with my body the way I am....that is for another post soon.