Starbucks

I just love my neighborhood Starbucks. The people there are awesome, in fact one person who works there is someone I had worked with at Starbucks before I went into the military! That was almost 7 years ago, so it is always fun to see her and watch her kids grow up. Now that I have a baby it is fun because everyone there is watching her grow up. So I love the place, I spend a lot of time at the place not only because I am sleep deprived but because I study there often. Most mornings I go there and just recently I started to drink something other than black coffee. They love to tease me about it. So anyway they always call me by my old name, and this morning I decided to tell the manager who is just the nicest person that I was changing my name. I was only going to bring it up if the opportunity presented itself and there wasn't a ton of people around. Just so happened that she was working the bar and there was no one else there and we were talking about the baby and life and I mentioned to her that I am changing my name to Jonathan. She kind of looked at me in a shocked way, and then said she had a friend who had gone from something to Eric and that it was hard because the names started with two different letters. She was so supportive and encouraging, it really didn't even phase her in the slightest. Then she said "have a good day Jonathan" and gave me a smile. 

I just feel overwhelmed at the positive experiences I am having. Really I can't believe how positive they have been. Either people have known someone who has gone through this or they are just supper supportive. Either way it is cool. The funny part is that my heart was racing and I was so nervous to mention anything to her this morning. Much more nervous than when I brought it up to the director at my school last night. Maybe that is because I have more interaction with the people at Starbucks? I don't know why but I was way more nervous. 

When I left I was on my way to get another ultra sound and the reality of it hit me. There is no going back, I mean I suppose that I could but more and more people in my daily life know now. The reality that in five days I have my appointment to sit down with my doctor and talk about what things are going to look like when I start taking hormones, and less than a week after that I will be getting my first shot. That reality is huge. Not bad huge, just more like "holy crap I am actually doing this" huge. Even if I were to go back, assuming that I could at this point life would never ever be the same for me. Life won't ever be the same for me. I am embarking on the biggest change and decision of my life. 

The thing is too though that in some ways it is the easiest decision of my life, because I truly believe I would have eventually been drawn to either suicide or going back out and drinking again which in the end is suicide in another form. I also think I was closer to those things that I might have realized in August when I decided I had to move forward with this. At that time it didn't feel as much of a necessity, however as the last few months have gone on I have realized that it really is. I have realized how unhappy I truly have been my whole life. I had just learned to manage the misery of being in the wrong body, but I was never ever truly happy with myself. 

Which is then funny because yesterday I was feeling sad about losing my "lesbian card" even though I never felt fully comfortable identifying as a lesbian. Maybe because if I am a lesbian I have at least that as an identity and without that I am still searching and feel as though I have none? I am Jonathan but who I am beyond that is a mystery to me. Everything is a mystery to me. I spent 27 years being fake and so now I feel like I don't know who I am or what my truth is. 

I was remembering when I got with my partner, the excitement of my first relationship with a woman. How amazing it felt the first time we kissed or how incredible it was the first time we made love. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced when I was with men. It was so much deeper than that, so much more spiritual almost. Obviously it was different physically too but there was something there that was magical, like I had finally found what I was always searching for and it felt so right. 

Things have changed now, we don't have that passion because we are exhausted and worn out by life now. We are comfortable with each other. Those moments I felt were special and I may never get them again, at least not as long as I am with my partner and I hope to be for a very long time. There is still something magical about it though, and I am worried that will go away when I transition. When I no longer have breasts, and my curves are gone. When my skin is not as soft and I have more body hair than ever before. I worry that the magic won't change that it will just go away and that is why I want to keep my lesbian identity card. Not because I want to be a lesbian really, because I don't. I am not comfortable that way, obviously. I am scared of the unknown and that is one way that I am scared. 

I liked what it felt like to connect with another woman on that level, it was special. As a man can I have that? I hope so. I suppose it is all part of the process of dealing with the changes to come. It is just another thing I had not thought about until yesterday, another thing that is going to change. Everything is going to change. I know I am still the same person on the inside and that is good, but so many things externally are already different and for a person who hates change it is pretty tough to deal with. 

I am grateful though, because I have the most amazing support group around me. My family is amazing, my partner is amazing, my beautiful little girl is amazing. I could not ask for more from the universe (other than not being dealt this card but since I was then this at least is great compensation). I am looking forward to some day loving every aspect of my life and who I am as well as being able to be content with myself.