I am...

Me, Jonathan, a guy...that is who I am and so much more. Today for the first time I think ever I truly felt that this was who I was and that this was okay and I was comfortable with it. I woke up this morning and was kind of in a weird emotional funk is the only way to describe it. I didn't sleep well last night and have been having a lot of dreams about an issue in my life which always leaves me feeling not totally in a happy spot emotionally. Of course a sweet little girl was placed in my arms to greet me when I woke up and that always helps, as does the fact that my sweetie is so good to me and brings me coffee in bed almost every morning simply because she wants to. So after I had the coffee that my sweetie brought me in bed and the baby was off to the Nanny,  I was able to drag my booty out of bed and into the shower. If I had not had a doctors appointment at 0900 I might have stayed there a lot longer.

After I got out though I put on my robe, shaved my face although the only part that really needed any help was my chin area. It is a good habit for me to get into and helps me I think on an emotional level set the stage for my day being lived as Jonathan which some days still aren't. Then I got dressed to include my binder, which I am only starting to get used to and or wear more. The more I wear it the more comfortable I am in it. So I put on my t-shirt and looked at myself in the mirror and I liked what I saw. A good looking guy was looking back at me. That guy was me. I felt right, like me in a way that I am not really sure I ever have. I liked how my flat chest looked, and everything else about what I saw (minus my curves that are my butt and hips but I know hormones will help with that). I felt confident, and I wonder how much of that comes from my extremely positive experience at the Gayla. That was my first big thing stepping out as Jonathan and it went so well. 

So I went about my day confident and I never once was referred to as "ma'am" and now I was never referred to as "sir" either but I could feel how people looked at me and interacted with me and it was not with that wonder of whether I am a guy or gal, it was that way when I was at Target, at Michaels or where ever and no one paid any attention to me. It was a wonderful feeling to just be who I am and not have those stares, double takes, wondering glances etc. 

There is something about knowing my time is done with the military (except a slight possibility of one more day) that makes me feel so free. I am not sure I realized the burden I have been living under for the last three years. I am sure I don't even fully realize it yet. It is a good feeling even though I am still struggling with sadness over it. 

Some days are tough, and some days I just don't feel like dealing with what it is going to take for me to be Jonathan that day. It feels exhausting and overwhelming sometimes. I wish it was a quicker transition in some ways, which is funny because for me it really is quick. It is so weird now, because I don't feel connected to the woman side of me even though my body still is and so I have to be consciously aware of the fact that I might not pass or whatever it is...that I still have boobs whether I want them or not. Thank goodness just three and a half more months until I get the chest I have always wanted...or at least a start in the right direction.