Feeling withdrawn

It has been a few days, not too much going on really. Had a doctors appointment so that all I have to do once I am done getting my eggs harvested is to call and chat with my doctor to let him now I am ready to start taking hormones and then make an appointment to have the nurses show me how to do it. I can do that pretty much the day after we harvest my eggs. So this is a very exciting thing indeed!

On the other hand I am feeling sad and isolated again. The feeling of not fitting is heavy on me this week. I feel like my entire life is on hold while I transition. Part of that is maybe coming form the fact that I don't want to explain it to everyone. I get tired of explaining it. I feel as though I am playing dress up or something. I act and dress like the person I have not yet become. In the mornings I shave, where there is not really anything (well a few mornings a week that is) and then I put my binder on in hopes of creating a more male chest. Not that it really ever helps too much, at least I don't think it does. My partner said it makes a big difference. I purposely dress and "do" my hair in ways that I hope will make me present as more male. Yet even with all that I rarely pass. It is exhausting.

I am getting incredibly stir crazy here. I have been in school and not working for what I have determined is going on 9 months now. I got off active duty on the last day of March and then was in the  Reserves doing minimal participation through the summer and that was it. I am really feeling a need to work. There are various reasons for this, the least of which is actually financial. That is an issue, but hardly the deciding factor. However, I don't' want to try to find a job right now  because how do I deal with the transgender issue and trying to find a job. It is overwhelming, scary and intimidating and at the same time I am really starting to feel the need to get out of this house and do more productive things.

My partner and friends remind me that going to school full time and being the stay at home daddy part time is a full time job but I don't feel it. I have this conflict because I urgently feel like at the very least I need to be passing and best case scenario (which I realize isn't actually going to happen) would be that I could walk out the door and be a guy and this would not be an issue. That isn't reality but I want it really bad some days. So instead I just stay relatively isolated or withdrawn from the world. Which as our couples therapist says she thinks is rather normal and understandable. Doesn't make it any more pleasant though. That in itself makes it difficult to try again to harvest my eggs, because I am really ready to be a guy. The days that I have any doubt are becoming less and less and the doubt less intrusive. I am more confident with each passing day I am doing the right thing, the necessary thing.