Saturday

Yesterday was the Rainbow Center's annual black and white gayla. We went last year and had a good time, and the funny part was that my partner picked out a tie she wanted me to wear and I was freaked out because I thought only men wore ties and were people going to think I wanted to be a man? Granted I had my big revelation I believe just prior to the gayla last year but I was completely in denial and not ready to deal with it. So it was funny that this year I was looking forward to going out and getting a fun new tie to wear. I got an awesome green one and she had this beautiful purple dress that matched it. Sadly though we did not even stay until dancing because we were tired, and a bit anxious about the baby. We had a great babysitter but the baby seemed a bit uneasy when we left. It was still a good experience going as Jonathan and being 100% me. 


Yesterday morning I decided that I was going to bind and wear my glasses. I had just gotten a hair cut the day prior for the gayla so I was feeling rather confident in my abilities to pass. I have also been shaving my face every few days. I have been getting some blond mixed with black hairs growing back on my chin but otherwise nothing. Of course I am going to be starting hormones by Thanksgiving and I am hoping that will change how much facial hair I have. If how much leg hair and under arm hair I have grown just by simply stopping shaving is any indication then I am hopeful that I will have little difficulties in growing facial hair as well. 


For the longest time I was mainly concerned with my breasts and how much I hated them. I still do, however I am becoming more excited to have facial hair because I realize it will help me pass more. My face is already rougher, although I really only shave like two times a week. It is also just a good routine for me since I no longer shave my legs or under arms. So all that to say I went to Starbucks dressed the same as always but had my binder on and glasses. When the barista, who knows me by name (my old one) came to ask me what I wanted to drink as she was taking the orders of those in line, she asked me and then did a double take when she realized she knew me. It was interesting, because I could see that she thought I was a guy and for a brief moment she didn't know who I was. That was a huge confidence boost for me. Someone who see's me every day, knows me well didn't recognize me. Had it not been so busy I may have told them, as everyone there is super supportive, loves my partner and baby and I. I know they would be great about it. That was the first thing that happened. 


So later in the day we had gone to the mall to get a couple of things and we were in Old Navy where there always seems to be a lot of gay guys. I was looking at a shirt when my partner who was not close enough that anyone would know we were together walks over to me and tells me that the gay guy who had been over near me was checking me out. I asked her if he was checking me out or if he was trying to figure out if I was a guy or a girl. She said defiantly checking me out, in the way gay guys do. Seeing as how her brother is gay, and she has had lots of gay friends I feel she would know. This too though was a huge confidence boost for because if a gay guy was checking me out then he clearly thought I was a guy. Which makes twice in one day that I passed or made progress in that direction. 


I also found out on Friday that I am all but out of the military. I am waiting for two more signatures, one of which may have signed my paperwork this weekend. Once those two have signed it I am a civilian. It is so weird, and yet after I met with the gal who had me sign this paperwork I went right over and got a hair cut. I got it cut shorter than I would have before. As sad and bittersweet as it is, it felt like I could finally start to move on. She is going to call me when the final signature is on there and it is a done deal but should be very soon. For all practical purposes I am already done. I will likely never have to go back. I think knowing that gives me the room to breathe and feel free to fully be myself which in turns gives me more confidence. 


At the gayla I used the men's restroom for the first time. I have used men's bathrooms in the past but they were the single ones where they look the same as the women's so I don't feel like those count. Women use them all the time when theirs is full or for whatever other reason. This though was the men's room, with urinals on both walls. Actually on one wall was adult urinals and on the other was small ones which I am assuming are for boys. Thank goodness there was three stalls that I was able to use. When I walked in I was alone in there, when I walked out of the stall there were three other men in there. I just washed my hands and didn't really look at them or say anything. It was weird, very different than the women's room. I felt really good that I survived it without incident. I know it was at a huge gay event though so no one would even think twice about me being in there but for me it was a big deal. 


When we were at the gayla someone came up to me who we know but had not seen probably since last year and said to me "I heard you are a daddy now, congratulations!" and it just made me feel so validated, accepted etc. It was cool. It has been cool to see how accepting people are about it, especially it seems the more open I am about it. 


I am reading this great book, called Transgender Warriors by Leslie Feinberg. It has really expanding my views and knowledge base of the history of Transgender people in the world. For instance, the native american people viewed transgender people very highly. The whole book is rather interesting, well so far anyway. I am only about half way into it.