So in regards to yesterday's post about the mess up with the IVF and egg harvesting I have decided that I am going to try again. It is an obvious decision and yet a very difficult one at the same time. Once I am on male hormones (testosterone) I can stop it and after a period of time could harvest my eggs again, however I don't see myself ever wanting to do that and or being able mentally and emotionally. Therefore I have thought it over and decided to put off starting "T" for another six or seven weeks.
In the long run of my life six or seven weeks is not very long. In this situation it feels like an eternity. However, I am trusting that the universe allowed this for a reason and that there is purpose in this. I don't know what it is yet but I am hoping in the future I can look back and get something from it. I have a lot of fear about going through the next six weeks again. I had some really dark and depressing days last time. Some that were incredibly scary and painful. I am not sure I can go through that again, and so I am hoping that since this time I will be more aware of what to expect and what is going to happen that I won't be as caught off guard and can deal better. Also now I will know it is because of the medication and I will know there is an end in sight. I am hesitant in moving forward but I am going to do it anyway. I don't think I will ever regret it and that is what I am having to keep in mind.
I had another mass "coming out" to a bunch of friends and I have been surprised at the lack of negative response I have gotten. It was one of the last groups of people on Facebook anyway that didn't know, and I was really afraid it was not going to go well. However it did so that really only leaves one person who "freaked out" and went all "Jesus" on me up to this point. There might be more in the future and I will deal with that when and if it happens. However the more that others are accepting or at least try to be understanding the more perspective I am getting on this one situation with this person. I was shocked and hurt by their response and the level of anger and negativity that was projected at me by them. It was someone who had repeatedly told me over the last year how supportive they were of me and my partner even though their belief system didn't agree with being gay. Then when I shared this newest development I was railed upon, put down, talked to like I was going to hell and that I didn't know what I was thinking or doing among various other things. The email I got was rather extreme and I choose to end that relationship based upon that email. Not because they disagreed but because of how they treated me when they disagreed and how they used their religion to justify the anger, hatred, disagreement and disgust with me. I had to choose to cut this person out of my life, in part because it was not safe or healthy for me but in part because I refuse to knowingly put my family around that. I am sure that my daughter will experience some of that growing up (although maybe not now that we "LOOK STRAIGHT" ). It was hard, it was one of the first people I came out to in hopes of being supported and so it was rather devastating for me.
The reactions I am getting from the people I expected to be negative has been healing in a lot of ways for me. It has shown me just how extreme this other person was and is as well showing me that it is not my fault and nothing I did caused this reaction. It was their own choice to react that way instead of loving me or being my friend. It became very clear I was only their project to "come back to Jesus" and that they were not truly interested in being friends for who I was. So anyway...all that to say the positive reactions and feedback I have been getting this week has been huge for my self confidence and self esteem. Especially since I finally feel more like myself for the first time in my life than I ever have in the past. I can't wait to have surgery and start "T" because I can only imagine how much better I will feel then!
On another note, I still can not figure out why I pass when I do and don't when I don't. So all week I have been passing more than ever before. I am still only passing maybe 5-10% of the time however that is progress. My voice maybe? I am not sure, but it is not bothering me as much anymore. I am realizing that just because I am not passing doesn't reflect on me in a bad way. It is just that I am still physically female at this point regardless of the lengths I go to in order to not look that way.
I am considering changing my name legally sooner rather than later. I found out it is easier than I had realized and it would really help, although then from that point onward until I was at a place of physical change where people would not know the difference it force me out everywhere. I am not in a super huge rush to do it now that I know how easy it is.
Changing my name is different than changing my gender marker, which is changing my gender on my passport, drivers license, birth certificate etc. That is a little harder although thank heavens living in this state it is not as hard. For that I am grateful, because it is a good state to live in if I were to be Transgender.
I love being a daddy. It feels so much more right to me than being a mommy, although being a mommy was great for that short period of time that it was. Despite all the crap and hardship that this is putting on my life I am still able to be grateful for what I have. So thank you to all my friends who have been supportive and loving and caring through this. It means the world to me.
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