My next move?

It is veterans day today. Normally today is hard for me. This year though it was posed to be even harder for me. Then this morning we discovered that a mistake had been made on our part, not the fertility clinic's fault and that I had accidentally taken some medication at the wrong time. As a result after weeks of torture (although not all of it was really torture) we were aware that chances were very good we would not get to harvest my eggs now as planned. We went to the fertility clinic and told them, which of course they were as upset as us. We thought there might be a small window of time where they could harvest them even though it was unplanned to do today. My partner and I discussed our options because even if we had done it today the rate of success would have gone down drastically. After talking about it I decided I was unwilling to go through with it if we were going to have very little chance of positive results. Then the clinic called us back to say that I had already started to ovulate anyway and so it was too late. So we are not harvesting my eggs right now. Which means all of the drugs, hormonal mood swings, shots and appointments not even to mention the money for what? So I am really kicking myself over this. 

However, this morning I had an hour to contemplate what to do next. Am I going to move forward and try again? I was set to start "T" next week and if I decide to try again for harvesting my eggs so we can have a second child that means that I won't be able to start hormones until January. Which I realize for some people doesn't seem like a long time. It is maybe 6 or 7 weeks from now. And the reality is that it really isn't that long. However, when you are Transgender and you hate your body and being female and that is what is going to help you 6 or 7 weeks can feel like a lifetime. Especially because I was expecting to take them starting soon. 

Originally, due to the military and me thinking I was not going to be out until January the plan had been that I would start hormones in January with my surgery scheduled for March. Then things got pushed forward and so I was planning on taking them sooner. So it isn't that far from the original plan other than that isn't what I was expecting any longer. 

So I took a walk and spent some time listening to Enya which always helps me get to a spiritual spot where I can talk to my higher power and really be in tune with myself and the truth as I hear it. That is how I was able to decide not to move forward today, before I found out I couldn't anyway. I think it was better I made that decision rather than being told. So we have three choices before us. 

1. Move forward and wait on taking male hormones
2. Don't move forward with IVF and start hormones and maybe never have a second child
3. Try to adopt down the road if we decide to have another

On one hand I think that I can wait another almost two months for hormones. On the other hand, I remember the ups and downs of the female hormones I just took and how bad the bad days were. They were very bad. Can I go through that again? I just don't know. Up until today I really  thought that I didn't care if I had a child biologically related to me. Our baby now isn't and that doesn't change how I feel about her. I love her just as much as if she were. I have really said that all along I was being kind of dragged by my partner, even though I had been the one to originally bring up the idea of using my egg and her carrying the baby. I had been the one to volunteer to do this. Yet I maintained that I didn't care if we even had a second. That is true, there are moments I just don't know if I can deal with another child. I truly believe in adoption and in that regard I would be just as happy. 

So I don't really know if my sudden feeling of being so upset is because I went through all this and now have nothing to show for it. Maybe it is because I really do want a biological child? Maybe it is the money we just spent with not much to show for it. I think though it is that I didn't care if I ever had a biological kid because I knew I never wanted to be pregnant, and then this opportunity presented itself. Suddenly the chance was there, and so what I thought I would never get actually became somewhat of a reality. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be as happy adopting because I would be. I think that how crappy I felt today really showed me how important it had become to me and I didn't realize it. 

So what to do next? I don't know. I suppose that just like this time I can start down the road and if I just can not deal with it I can stop but I don't want to do that again. By that I mean waste the time and money to do that. So if we/I decide to move forward I have to be fully committed to the process of it. 

Thankfully I am meeting with my therapist this afternoon so we can talk through a bunch of this stuff. The other crappy part is that because I was taking drugs to get my body to make eggs to harvest I have a bunch. So now I am ovulating today and I feel pretty uncomfortable with all those eggs doing what they do and releasing. I can physically feel it and so that in itself is not something that makes me super happy. 

All that to say I have ended up having plenty on my mind other than Veterans Day, which I suppose in a way is nice to not have think about. I will keep everyone posted as to what happens in the coming days.