Got my letter!

I got my letter on monday! Yay! I am almost done with this egg harvesting so in less than a month I could very possibly be on hormones! As much as I have been struggling with things with the military I am very excited about this. It is great news and amazing to have the letter in my "hot little hands" as my partner was so excited to say when I came home with it. 


I did have some interesting insight into my deep grief about the military. Prior to my realization for my need to transition I was planning to leave the military, at least temporarily if not permanently. However there was not this level of grief attached, while there was some it was nothing like this. Then this week I realized it is at least in part because it is the one area of my life I feel I can find identity in. Right now I don't feel like the woman I am still and have yet to be able to fully embrace Jonathan if that makes any sense? So I feel as though I really am in this middle ground and lacking identity. For my whole life my identity was in some way tied to the military, and so losing that is losing that last little bit of identity that I feel I have right now. Without it I really truly feel like I don't know who I am. Even though fundamentally I am the same person there are so many things I don't know about myself now. 


If I can let it go long enough then I can move forward on this journey and eventually I will find my new identity and new self. It is just scarier than crap to let go although in some ways it is exciting to think about where I will be in a year or two. My partner and I were talking about that at dinner tonight, about how we are looking forward to seeing where I end up. Like where will I work for instance. My whole thoughts on that have even been changing. Life is a journey I suppose, whether we like it or not.