Grief

This weekend has been tough, it seems I have a few good days and then a really bad one. My partner mentioned that maybe my really bad ones are attributed to the birth control I am on to harvest my eggs. Since I have been on it I have been more depressed than normal, more hopeless feeling and my bad days have been significantly worse than my bad days before. Now that could also be for other reasons that are not hormonal but I don't know. Thankfully just three more days of active pills and so in theory just three or four weeks and I could potentially be on "T". That brings up so many issues for me. 


I had a dream yesterday morning about the military and how sad I am to be going and then yesterday I was really depressed all day long. It is so hard, because despite all the issues I had with the military and I did have my fair share I am still so deeply heartbroken that I am leaving and never ever going back. Not just am I am not going back but since I am transitioning I am most likely never going to see many or any of them again. An example of how huge this is for me is that I sent a letter to my family a week or so ago and told them about my transition. I was/am prepared for the worst there. And yet I have peace about them disowning me or whatever it is they may do. And yet the thought of losing the military and everything I love and enjoy and see myself as is so heartbreaking that some days it is unbearable. 


I am going to out process soon, and then I will pack up everything that is left out and put it into a box and move on with my life. For those of you who watch the TV show Mad Men, I feel like I need what Don Draper has which is a new life. I feel like I have to get out of WA state for so many reasons, and now the daily reminder of the lose I feel is making it seem even more necessary. We are actually seriously talking about what that would look like in a year, although who knows what will happen. There is so much loss and pain here for me now, and there was even before the military thing that I just feel like I will never really be able to move on and live my life if I am living here. 

It is especially hard because I really feel like I am being forced out. I felt that way about the lesbian thing, but even more so now. I wish I had been born a guy, or if not then at least just a lesbian. Either way I could stay in the military then. Don't get me wrong I love my family and wouldn't change that for the world but to lose the only thing you have ever truly wanted in life and have loved second only to your wife and child is so incredibly hard. To lose it this way is even harder. If I was just getting out because I was a lesbian I could at least stay friends with the women I know and have grown to enjoy friendships with there. I could keep those relationships to some degree even if I was not out traveling the world with them. This way though, I just feel like everything I knew is dying to me. 


At the same time I know without a doubt in my mind that I have to transition. I have moments when I think about the military and my life there and wish and try to tell myself I can just stay a lesbian but in reality I know that I can't. I know I can't be happy that way, that there is no going back. That to do that would be nearly impossible to do and stay healthy, happy and sober. So I have to transition, but some days I feel as though I can't survive the loss I will face to do so.