Rainy Days

It is a rainy day, I am at home with my family sitting around the fire. The baby is laying on the ground playing and talking, the dog is sleeping and I am enjoying a day to relax. I am not thinking about my transition (other than enough to write this) and I am not thinking about who I am or am not, who I appear to the world as or not as. I am just me. What a wonderful feeling that is. Whether I am dressed like a man or not, regardless of what kind of bra I am wearing or if I have my binder on I am just dad. I am Jonathan to my partner. I am me, and the rest doesn't matter. What I look like is not relevant. What a nice feeling that is. 

I spend so much of my week worried if I am passing or not, how I am presenting, what I am feeling etc that I find it hard to enjoy this time. It feels burdensome to me. People tell me to try and enjoy this time but I am in this in between stage and I am not enjoying it. I am looking forward to starting hormones soon, even though the physical changes may not happen right away I think it may help with my confidence. 

I have stopped shaving my legs now a couple of months ago and recently stopped shaving under my arms. I am fortunate in that I grow a lot of hair without the need of male hormones. I imagine it will help or change it but I have a lot of hair on my own already. I bought some a razor and soap to shave my face, although have yet to do it. I was talking to a friend about why I didn't pass and it was mentioned that it was peach fuzz. Grown men don't have it, and although it may not be noticeable or something that we think about every day to woman it is subconsciously something that they see. They can tell if a person has it or has shaved. So a friend told me that he started to shave before he really had much of anything to shave and it really helped. Not to mention that ritual was nice, and it made him feel more kinship with the rest of the men in the world. So I bought it, and it has been sitting on my bathroom counter. I have three reasons for not having done it yet, all of which are rooted in fear which I suppose is okay. 

I know that I am not the only one who experiences an increase in paranoid thinking during this time. I worry that everyone wants to beat me up, or hurt me or has bad thoughts about me ect. I worry about anything and everything and that is different than being hypersensitive. I am just worried and scared on a level I never have been before in my life. Thankfully it seems that is somewhat normal to this period of transition al least from some people I have talked to. 

Anyway my first reason I have not shaved is that I still have to out process from the military and I am afraid that someone would notice and say something. Secondly I have my very last orthodontist appointment next week and I think they may notice and I don't feel like explaining. Third I am just scared to do it because I don't know how, although have been told it is rather easy and if I could shave my legs for 15 years I can shave my face. I did put the soap on my face and look at myself in the mirror for a while, which was weird but felt right. It was like that was how I was supposed to look after a shower. I can't really explain it in a way that someone who is not transgender would understand but it was a good feeling. That feeling of fear wasn't there, just that feeling of rightness. 

Some days I worry I am not processing this enough or that I don't really understand or know what I am getting into. That generally comes on days I am feeling extra sad about the military so I don't think it is true. Time is flying by, that much I do know and I can't hardly believe that I could be on hormones in a month!